Made It Through
by md1347
Summary: Noah meets the biggest challenge in his life that leads him to reexamine his own life while fighting for survival. Will this life threatening situation bring Luke and Noah back together or tear them further apart?
1. Chapter 1

Made It Through

By Mike Douglas

_Special thanks to nezabudka1 for help with editing the story._

Rating: R (Adult Language)

Warning: Do not read this story in public, at work or with makeup on.

_Disclaimer: Luke, Noah, and all related characters, plots, and locations are property of As the World Turns, Telenext Media, and CBS Television. No profit is made from this fan creation. No copyright infringement is intended!_

Summary: Noah meets the biggest challenge in his life that leads him to reexamine his own life while fighting for survival. Will this life threatening situation bring Luke and Noah back together?

-P-

-P-

Noah has been depressed since Luke told him that he was in love with Reid. Truth be told, he'd been depressed ever since he saw Luke kiss Dr. Oliver. He knew from that point on that their relationship would never be the same and it wasn't. It was mostly his fault but not entirely. Luke had lied to him again and again but that was over now. He might have been able to fix things with Luke a couple of months ago but it was unlikely that could happen now. The only thing in Noah's life that was positive was moving out to Los Angeles to make his movie.

Noah was on his way to The Lakeview to meet with Samuel George again. Sam worked for the grant committee that was going to fund Noah's film in Los Angeles. When he walked into the hotel dining room, he saw Sam sitting at a table reading a newspaper. He went over and they talked for a few minutes and ordered some coffee before their conversation turned to the requirements of the grant.

"Now, the grant is contingent on you receiving a medical checkup," Sam said honestly.

Noah was curious. "Really, why?"

"We've had some instances where the grantees had gotten sick and were unable to finish their film. So now, we make sure everyone has a checkup."

"No problem." He's been feeling fatigued lately but figured it was just depression from breaking up with Luke and seeing him with Reid.

"Just give your doctor this letter, explaining what tests we require and how to bill us."

Noah took the information from Sam and they finished their meeting.

-P-

Noah called and made an appointment with Dr. Bob for a checkup, right away. He thought the sooner he can get this over, the quicker he can start his new life in Los Angeles. Dr. Bob had an opening in his calendar and was able to schedule an appointment for Noah's checkup. Later that day, Noah walked in to Bob's office and handed him the letter that Sam had given him. Bob had Noah strip down to his boxer briefs and started the examination.

"So, you're going out to Los Angeles to make a movie?" Bob chatted with Noah as he was testing Noah's reflexes.

"Yes, I can't wait."

"What will the movie be about?" Bob checked out Noah's lymph nodes, while Noah explained the premise of the movie.

He examined the lymph nodes under each of Noah's arms. "You have some bruising here on your arms and shins and your lymph nodes are a little swollen."

"I've probably been a little clumsy packing," laughed Noah.

"Are you feeling tired?"

"Yes, a little but I've been working at Java while trying to pack and write my screenplay for the movie."

"You've dropped fifteen pounds, Noah, since your last visit," Bob began to get worried. "You look healthy but the drop in weight, the swollen lymph nodes and bruising concern me."

"Could it be from surgery?"

"It's possible that you've become anemic since your surgery but the swollen lymph nodes indicate some type of infection."

"Any night sweats or loss of balance or nausea?"

"I woke up last night with the sweats but it was warm in the apartment."

Bob took Noah's temperature and it was elevated a little. Bob cautiously reviewed his notes of Noah's symptoms. He didn't want to frighten Noah, so he kept his suspicions to himself and decided to run more tests. "I'm going to have some extra blood work done, just in case. I'll give you a call when we get the results back."

A nurse came in and took Noah's blood. From the many vials she laid down on the table, he was thinking she was going to take all his blood. She must be part vampire, he chuckled to himself. When she finished, she told Noah that someone would give him a call and he was free to leave. Noah went home to finish packing.

Early the next morning Noah received a call from Bob's secretary asking him to come in for his results, as soon as possible. The urgency in the secretary's voice didn't make Noah feel comfortable and the fact that she wouldn't release the results over the phone, when he tried to question her, didn't ease the thoughts running through his mind. When Noah arrived to the hospital, he was immediately ushered into Bob's office.

"Noah, we are seeing some things with your blood that we do not like. I've called in a specialist and he's confirmed that there may be an issue."

"What is it?" asked Noah with worry in his voice.

"Until we have more tests…"

"Please, what is it?" Noah demanded.

"It looks like leukemia, Noah. But until we can make a final diagnosis, we can't be sure. I'm sorry."

Noah sat there stunned, unable to think because his thoughts were coming too fast for him to latch on to any.

Seeing Noah's emotions and confusion, Bob asked Noah if there is anyone he could call from him.

"No. I don't have anyone…not anymore." Noah broke down crying.

"What about the Snyders?"

"No, after everything that happened with Luke, I can't tell them."

"Noah, I've known the Snyders for a lot of years and there is no way they would feel any differently about you if you're not seeing Luke."

Noah didn't respond. He just knew he couldn't tell them.

"Ali would be the only one, I guess, since we are roommates."

"I'll get her and come back in when Dr. Barnes is available." Bob exited his office.

A few minutes later Ali walked in and sat down next to Noah. "What's wrong, Noah?" She could tell he was upset.

"They think I might have leukemia," Noah was trying to sound calm.

Ali was in shock. She felt helpless as she pulled Noah into a hug. "I am so sorry, Noah."

"What am I going to do? I probably won't be able to work. How am I going to afford an apartment or gas or food?"

"I can pick up some stuff for you and I'm sure that Casey will help too." Ali tried to console Noah.

"But you're leaving in a few months. What am I supposed to do then?"

"I don't know."

"I can't believe this. I've lost Luke, my grant and I could lose my life. What am I supposed to do?"

"We will figure something out. We will not leave you in a pinch when you need us," Ali's hand was slowly caressing Noah's back to keep him calm and to ease the shock of what he had just been told.

"Thanks Ali. I appreciate it."

-P-

Noah and Ali's hug was interrupted by Bob walking into to the office. Ali excused herself as Bob took Noah to Dr. Barnes office.

"Noah, this is Dr. Joe Barnes, he's an oncologist," Bob introduced Joe to Noah.

Noah took a seat and Joe proceeded to explain to him the procedures and tests that Noah will be undergoing in the next few days.

"We think the leukemia is in its early stage. The blood work taken before your brain surgery didn't show any signs of the disease. We will need to run more tests to be sure, Noah," noted Joe, "We will need to take a sample of your bone marrow. If that's positive, then we will need to do spinal tap to see if the leukemia has spread into your spinal fluid."

Joe continued, "The bone marrow biopsy will consist of putting a needle into the hip bone and extracting a sample of your bone marrow. We should set that up as soon as possible. How does tomorrow morning at ten o'clock sound?"

"That's fine." Noah was still in a daze. "Can I drive after the test or will I need to find someone to drive me home?"

"You shouldn't drive. We can find someone. Have you changed your mind about telling the Snyders?" Bob inquired.

"No."

"I wish you would. You're going to need a lot of support for at least six months to maybe a year or more, if worst case happens."

"I'll just have to deal with it day by day."

Bob and Joe just looked at each other, knowing that Noah didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

"Okay, let's meet tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. here and we will do the bone marrow biopsy. Once we get the results we can discuss things further," said Joe.


	2. Chapter 2

All three men stood up and walked out into the hallway only to bump into Lucinda, who was walking out of her doctor's office after undergoing her annual cancer screening when she noticed Noah, Bob and Joe come out the door in front of her.

"Noah, what are you doing here?" Lucinda asked curiously.

"Uh…nothing. Why?" Noah stuttered his reply.

Lucinda knew the redness in his eyes told her not to believe him.

"All three of you back in there, now?" demanded Lucinda.

All three marched themselves back into Joe's office and stood there waiting for Lucinda to talk.

"Okay, what are you doing in this department, Noah?"

"Nothing, really, Mrs. Walsh." lied Noah. Lucinda could see Noah was frightened and knew he had been crying.

"Don't give me that shit, Noah Mayer. There's only one reason why anyone comes to oncology." Lucinda warned.

Noah knew that he better tell the truth because nobody lied to Lucinda and lived to tell about it. "I might have leukemia."

"Oh, Noah!" Lucinda wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly and her eyes welled up with tears.

Noah was trying to be strong but he started crying with her. After a few minutes she asked to be filled in by Joe. "What's Noah's prognosis?"

Joe looked at Noah, "I'll need your approval to tell her anything about your treatment, Noah."

"You can tell her anything she wants to know from now on," said Noah.

Lucinda put her hand on his at the trust he just gave her.

"We think Noah may have an early stage of leukemia. We've scheduled a bone biopsy for tomorrow morning."

"How likely is it to be leukemia?"

"Very. He has all the symptoms. We just need confirmation from the biopsy."

"What time tomorrow?"

"10:00 a.m." replied Noah.

"I'll bring you in tomorrow morning."

"It's okay. I can catch a ride in, Mrs. Walsh."

Lucinda gave him a dirty look. "I told you to call me Lucinda."

"I lost that right when Luke and I broke up," Noah looked down sadly.

She picked up his chin. "Only I can revoke that right honey, and I haven't. Got it?"

"Yes ma'am."

"We are family in two possible ways, in the Snyder family and the cancer family, my dear. We need to stick together."

Noah didn't want to argue with her.

"How are you going to tell the family?" When she noticed he was confused she repeated her question. "How are you going to tell Luke and the family?"

"I'm not!"

"Noah, you have to tell them. We are your family."

"You haven't been since Luke and I broke up." Noah's voice was filled with sadness.

"That's not true, Noah. We still love you just as much now as we did when you and Luke were together."

A big smile broke out on Bob's face. He tried to explain this to Noah in his office earlier.

"I haven't seen anyone since my surgery...Anyway, it's hard enough seeing him in Old Town with..."

"I'm sure he will want to come see you. Who knows, it may give you a second chance."

"He told me that he's in love with Dr. Oliver and doesn't want to be with me. How am I supposed to deal with that blasting in my brain every time I see him and still concentrate on getting better?"

"That is something you need to figure out. You will not be able to keep him away, unless you push him away."

"I will not make that mistake ever again but I don't want to cause an issue with him and Dr. Oliver. I've caused him enough pain as it is."

"I don't think you're describing your relationship with Luke very accurately. It takes two to tango, dear." Lucinda replied truthfully.

"I know, but he seems to think everything is my fault, so it probably is."

"I think that's probably wrong too, dear. Let me walk you out, so these gentlemen can get back to work." said Lucinda after seeing Bob and Joe standing there patiently.

-P-

When Noah got home, he sat down on the couch and just stared out into space. He was so stunned and scared that he couldn't move. He didn't even hear Ali enter the apartment.

"Noah, are you okay?" asked Ali when she found him sitting on the couch looking out into space.

Noah snapped out of his daze. "Oh, you're home."

"Are you okay, Noah?"

"I'm not sure. I've been sitting here since I got home and I'm trying to wrap my head around everything I learned today."

"That's understandable. I stopped at the store and picked up groceries to make a cobb salad."

"I'm not really hungry."

"Too bad. Now more than ever, you need to eat healthy. Cobb salad is healthy when you cut down on some of the meat and cheese. It's one of your favorite comfort foods. Come on and keep me company in the kitchen."

Noah got up and followed her. "Cut down on the meat? But that's the best part." A smile broke out on his face.

After they washed their hands, they started cutting up all the vegetables together.

"You know with my past that I like the meat and I know you do but I need to lose some weight because I'm getting married soon and you will need to eat healthy to help your body heal, so we can help each other out."

Noah smiled at Ali. He knew she was trying to pick up his spirits.

"Are you going to tell, Luke?" Ali asked curiously. "Here, roll up the meat and we will be ready to eat."

"No, I'm not going to tell Luke." Noah rolled up the meat and cut them thin.

"Why not?" Ali was setting the table. "Just because you're not together anymore, doesn't mean he no longer cares about you."

"He's too busy with his new boyfriend to care about me." Noah put the meat into the salad and brought it over to the table. "Besides, we are barely talking now and when we do, it just turns into an argument."

"I don't think he will feel that way but you can think about that tomorrow. Are you going to unpack now that you are not going to Los Angeles?"

"I don't think so."

"Why not?" Ali was surprised by his answer.

"Well, if it is leukemia, it may be easier not to."

"Noah, don't think that way. You need to remain positive." Being a nurse, she knew exactly what she was talking about. She'd seen way too many patients give up on their will to live and stop fighting. She wasn't going to let the same happen to Noah.

"You and Casey are the only positives in my life at the moment."

"You won't mind if I tell Casey, will you?"

"No I don't mind...just don't tell anyone else. I don't want anyone knowing yet." Or ever he thought.

Noah and Ali didn't say anything else. They just sat and ate in silence. Ali would look at Noah every few minutes but she didn't know what to say to him. After dinner was over, Noah went into his room to lie down. He was completely exhausted, both physically and emotionally. His thoughts ran over the past year and what Bob and Joe said today. He cried himself to sleep but he had a restless night where he was awake at least every hour or two.

-P-

The next morning, Noah woke up when he heard the doorbell ring and someone knocking on the front door.

Looking over at his alarm clock, he realized who the pesky intruder of his morning was. "Crap, it has to be Lucinda." He got out of bed, threw on a robe and answered the door.

"Are you still sleeping?" Lucinda was surprised. Noah is usually adamant about being on time.

"Sorry, I didn't sleep well." He tried to shake the tiredness from his eyes.

"We still have time. I brought you breakfast. After your appointment, we will stop and get a milkshake. They helped calm my stomach down during my treatment, my treat."

"That's very kind of you Lucinda but I don't think I could eat anything right now." said Noah. He was feeling very nauseated this morning. He wasn't sure if it was nerves or the leukemia.

"I know how you feel darling, but it's an omelet on dry English muffin from Al's. It's bland, so it shouldn't bother your stomach too much."

Lucinda had survived breast cancer, twice. She knew what she was talking about. He ate his sandwich and took a quick shower.


	3. Chapter 3

Lucinda and Noah arrived at the hospital a few minutes after ten in the morning and were ushered into Joe's office where Joe and Bob were waiting for them.

"Noah, what we will be doing today is a biopsy of your hip bone. We will inject a needle into your bone and take out some bone marrow, so we can test the cells. We will give you a local anesthetic but the biggest pain you will feel is the injection into the bone itself. That pain will be virtually gone when the needle is pulled out. You should only need Tylenol or something for pain after it's all done. Any questions?"

Noah shook his head no. All he wanted to do was get this test over with and then go home. He didn't want to run into Luke or worse Reid.

"Come with me then and we will get this over with quickly." Joe got up and started walking out the door, Noah followed. He went into the room across the hall and told Noah to take off his jeans and shirt but leave his underwear on. Noah did what he was told.

Joe noticed that Noah was in his underwear. "Go ahead and lay down on the bed."

Noah followed the doctor's orders. The nurse in the room threw a blanket over Noah's left side covering his waist. Bob and Lucinda then were waved into the room.

"I will pull this side of your underwear down and enter your hip, right here." Joe poked his finger into Noah's right hip.

Noah lifted up as Joe pulled his underwear down a little. He cleaned up the area with antiseptic and then injected Noah with a local anesthetic where his finger was.

"These are just to make sure you don't move when I insert the needle." He threw two straps across the bed, one across Noah's legs and the other across his abs and tied them to the bed.

"Are we ready now?"

"Yes." Noah just wanted to get it over with.

Lucinda walked up to Noah's bed. Right as Joe was ready to insert the needle, she said "You've been working out, haven't you Noah?" trying to distract him.

"Yes." Noah said slowly as he looked at her.

Bob, Noah and the nurse looked at Lucinda with a surprised gaze as Joe inserted the needle. He pushed the needle into Noah's bone causing Noah to stiffen. The needle going into the bone was heard through the room.

"Keep looking at me...I wish I had a man with muscles like yours. When I was younger, I had the pick of the lot. Now I have the lot with nothing to pick." Lucinda laughed.

"You're really freaking me out, Lucinda." Noah said with a wave in his voice.

Joe got his sample and then pulled the needle back out before Noah had a chance to notice.

"Well, it got you through the biopsy." laughed Lucinda.

Noah looked at Joe who was holding up a syringe with a thick liquid in it.

"I guess you did," laughed Noah. Joe moved away from Noah, as a nurse came over to clean the spot where the needle went in and put a band aid on it.

"Noah, you will have some discomfort from the anesthesia when you walk and your leg will feel as though it is asleep." said the nurse.

"I'm going to take this to the lab. We should know the results in an hour. If you want to just go down to the cafeteria for an early lunch, they are having sliced turkey with gravy and mashed potatoes today." suggested Joe.

"That sounds good. My stomach is a bit off today." said Noah. He noticed that Joe and Bob looked at each other quickly and then Joe left the room.

The nurse wheeled in a chair for Noah as he got up and got dressed. He had a little problem walking and trying to get on his pants but the nurse helped him out a bit.

Lucinda took a quick notice of Noah's more than ample basket in his boxer briefs before he put his pants on. "Lucky boy," she thought to herself.

-P-

Lucinda and Noah went down and had lunch in the cafeteria. Noah was more nervous about seeing Luke or Reid more than he was about his test results. Soon the hour was over and they headed back up stairs. When they got back to Joe's office, Joe and Bob were already deep in their conversation. Noah knew it wasn't good news from their expressions. Lucinda wheeled him into the room and got him facing Bob and Joe and then took a seat herself.

"I'm sorry but it's definitely leukemia," Joe broke the news gently.

Noah sat in shock, hoping that he heard Joe wrong. Unfortunately, he didn't. He felt Lucinda's hand on his arm. He looked over at her with tears in his eyes and saw tears in her eyes too.

Trying to shove down his emotions, Noah tried to sound calm. "What do we need to do now?"

"We need to do spinal tap to see if there are any leukemia cells in your spinal fluid. We will stick a small needle into your spine and retrieve some spinal fluid. Finding no leukemia cells in your fluid simplifies your treatment."

"What if you find it in my spinal fluid?"

"Well, then we will need to go about treating you in a different manner. Let's test the fluid first before we get into all that."

"Let's do it then."

Joe wheeled Noah into the same examination room he had been in earlier. He told Noah to take off his shirt and get on the bed. Lucinda and Bob stayed in Joe's office, talking about treatment options that Noah would need.

"Bring your knees up to your chest and hug them with your arms. We shouldn't need to give you anything for the pain but you will feel a needle being inserted into your spine." said Joe. "Okay, don't move until I tell you." Noah shivered as he felt the cold antiseptic pad being wiped around the injection area.

"Okay." Joe stuck the needle into Noah's lower spine area, retrieved the spinal fluid and walked out the door to get it tested.

Noah laid there in bed thinking about how drastically his life had changed in a year. He was very happy when he and Luke moved in together but everything changed when he went blind. He did what he always did in a time of crisis, he receded into himself to work things out but only this time things couldn't be worked out. He was blind for life unless he could get someone to fix it but Luke kept pushing him and the harder Luke pushed, the more he receded into himself. The more Luke tried to help, the angrier Noah got.

-P-

About an hour later, Joe walked back into Noah's room smiling with Lucinda and Bob. Noah was immediately relieved.

"There are no cancer cells in your spinal fluid. That is excellent." said Joe happily. "We would like for you to come in tomorrow morning at six o'clock and we would like to insert a tube, called a catheter, in your chest, that we will use that to introduce the chemotherapy into your bloodstream. It should only take about ten minutes or so and then we want to start chemotherapy as early 11:00 a.m."

"That fast?" Noah asked with surprise.

"Yes, with cancer, the time is of the essence. The quicker we start, hopefully, the quicker we can get you into remission."

"Sounds good, Joe," replied Lucinda. "I'll make sure Noah gets here."

"What happens if chemotherapy doesn't work?" Noah was frightened and wanted to know all of the available treatment options.

"If chemotherapy doesn't work, then we will either try radiation and a bone marrow transplant. Let's not get ahead of ourselves and take the chemotherapy treatment one step and a time."

"Okay. I will see you tomorrow morning."

Lucinda took Noah home and told him that she would pick him up in the morning. Noah told her that Ali was working the morning shift that started at 6:00 a.m. and he would catch a ride with her.


	4. Chapter 4

When he got home, Noah knew he had to tell Luke before he went into the hospital. He sent Luke a text to meet him at Java and Luke replied back that he could be there in thirty minutes. Noah took a few deep breaths to steady his nerves and went to meet Luke.

"Luke, I'm not going to Los Angeles." Noah said nervously.

Luke was stunned. "He's staying for me" he thought. He hated shoving Noah away but he didn't want to be hurt again by Noah and telling him he was in love with Reid would get Noah to go to Los Angeles.

"You need to go, Noah." Luke was being honest if albeit hurtful. "We talked about this. I'm in love with Reid and I want to be with him and not you." Luke noticed that Noah just looked like he got hit in the head with a brick.

"Luke, it's not…"

"No, you need to go follow your dreams and forget about me."

Ali walked into Java to get a cup a coffee while on a break from the hospital. She saw Luke and Noah having an intense talk. She was pleased that Noah was hopefully telling Luke about his diagnosis.

"I have leukemia, Luke," Noah yelled out before he lost his nerve.

Everyone in Java heard him and turned to look. Jeff stiffened at the counter while taking Ali's order.

Luke started laughing. Noah was stunned by Luke's reaction.

"You are so desperate to keep me that you'll tell me you have leukemia?" laughed Luke.

"It's true." He was totally taken aback by Luke's reaction.

"That's pathetic." Luke spat back not believing Noah.

"You don't believe me?" Noah was in shock as tears began to run down his face.

"No, I don't. I can't believe you would say such a thing just to get me to come back to you."

"What?" Still not believing what he was hearing.

Luke knew he had to push Noah into going to Los Angeles. He hated to but he lied to Noah. "You just need to accept that I'm not in love with you Noah." Luke tried to be as believable as he could.

"I can't believe you. You're such an asshole, Luke." Noah yelled loudly. "I tell you that I have leukemia and you laugh at me."

"You're lying to me, Noah."

Noah stood up and clenched his fists in anger. "When have I ever lied to you? Never is the answer. Fuck you, Luke," yelled Noah. He turned around and stormed out of Java.

Luke just sat there thinking about what Noah told him. "Noah seems awfully mad. Could he be telling me the truth? No, Noah can't have cancer. He has to be trying to get me back." Luke thought to himself as he looked at the door.

-P-

Ali paid for her coffee and yelled to Jeff to keep the change as she ran out the door after Noah. She found him passed out and lying on the concrete by his truck. She checked his vitals and called 911.

When Noah was rolled into the emergency room, Bob was there to meet him. "What happened, Ali?"

"He had a fight with Luke at Java and he ran out the door. I found him passed out by his truck. Luke didn't believe him about the leukemia."

Noah was immediately admitted since he still wasn't conscious and Bob started running tests on Noah.

Noah woke up about twenty minutes later. "What happened?"

"I think you got so agitated that your body couldn't handle the stress it was under and just shut down. We are running some tests now but I'd like you to stay here overnight to just make sure that your vitals have returned to their normal levels before we start chemotherapy."

"Luke didn't believe me. He thought I was making it up." Noah started to cry.

"It's okay, Noah. It's a shock for anyone to take. I'm sure he didn't mean it."

"He did. He said I was pathetic." Noah yelled as he continued to cry.

"I'm going to give you something to relax you a bit." Bob injected Noah with a sedative.

"He thought I was lying to him. I've never lied to him." Noah rambled on as he became sleepy.

"It's okay, Noah. He'll know soon enough. Just try to relax for a bit." Bob dimmed the lights in the room as he walked out, wishing he could strangle Luke.

An hour later, Bob went back to check on Noah. He was sleeping but his blood pressure was still elevated. As he was leaving, Joe walked into Noah's room. He told Joe about Noah vitals and that Noah was going to spend the night.

-P-

The next morning, Lucinda was on her way into the hospital to be with Noah when she ran into Alison in the parking lot.

"Hi Allison, where's Noah?" Questioned Lucinda as they walked toward the hospital.

"Hi, Mrs. Walsh. He was admitted last evening."

"What? Why?" Lucinda asked with a crease forming between her eyebrows.

"He met Luke at Java to tell him about the cancer. I guess it didn't go well and they had an argument. I found Noah passed out in the parking lot by his truck. I called an ambulance and the doctors kept him here for observation but he seemed fine."

"That's not good." Lucinda was upset. "I want to be kept abreast of any issues immediately concerning Noah from now on."

"Yes ma'am...Noah is refusing to unpack any of his things. He says that it would be easier on us." Ali said with worry.

"That's not good either. Thanks, Allison. Let me know if he keeps that up." Lucinda scurried off to find Bob and Joe.

Lucinda met up with Bob and Joe and was filled in on all the details of Noah's collapse the previous night, including his fight with Luke.

"I want to be notified immediately if something like this happens again." Lucinda sounded a bit pissy. "I had no idea this had happened."

They noted in Noah's chart to notify Lucinda and also told her that the surgery to put in the catheter was a success without any issues. After their conversation, Lucinda walked into Noah's room to find him sleeping, so she left to make a couple of phone calls.

-P-

When Noah woke up, he called Sam to tell him about the leukemia diagnosis and asked Sam if he could come visit him in the hospital. An hour later, Sam walked into Noah's room.

"I'm so sorry to hear about your medical issues, Noah."

Lucinda walked into the room just as Noah and Sam started their conversation. Noah smiled at Lucinda and introduced her to Sam.

"You just talk, I'll sit here until you're done darling, if that's okay?" Noah nodded.

"I know this will keep me from getting my grant but I want to document my treatment, my feelings about it and if I make it through, then I want to use what I filmed as my movie."

"Interesting idea but others have done this before."

"Yes, but my life has been interesting," chuckled Noah. "My colonel father killed my prostitute mother, shot my boyfriend and treated me like shit when I was young, I was kidnapped and I helped find a gun runner. Shall I continue?"

"Sounds horrible...but interesting." grinned Sam.

"It's time I let it all out in the open. My childhood has affected my adult life in terrible ways and I need to finally let it all go." Noah was finally ready to face his past.

"I'll see what I can do. What will you need?"

"I just need a hand held camera that can operate in low light and can be dumped to a DVD with say 3-5 hours of record time." replied Noah.

"I know just the camera you are looking for. I can't promise I can get it for you but I'll try."

Lucinda stood up and gave Sam her card. "Anything you can't get, you bill me for."

"Lucinda." Noah sounded annoyed.

"Darling, this is your legacy if things go badly. But when you beat this thing, it will be a new beginning of understanding your past...And I won't take no for an answer."

"I know enough not to argue with you."

"If you do this, you can't hold anything back. Nothing but the full truth and emotions. No matter how bad it gets."

"Even if I call you the one of the sweetest and warmest women I know." Noah grinned.

"That's slander, I tell you." Lucinda yelled out in laughter. "I'll deny it with my whole stable of lawyers."

After all the laughter in the room subsided, Noah agreed to accept Lucinda's help with his project.

"Well, I have to get going. I'll be through at least twice a month. I'll drop by if that's okay and see how you're doing and how the filming is going?" asked Sam. Noah agreed and Sam left.

As Sam was exiting Noah's hospital room, Noah turned to Lucinda and repeated her exact words. "The truth and nothing but the full truth and emotions… well that could get ugly."

"Good, because that's what every film should be. Nothing but the raw truth." said Lucinda.

"Speaking of the truth. I was wondering if you can do me a favor?" Noah asked with trepidation.

"Anything you need, I will do for you." Lucinda stepped up to his bed.

"If things go badly, I will need someone who can be my advocate...medically I mean. I don't have a next of kin."

Lucinda was touched. "I can do that. I'll have my stable come up with something for you."

"Thanks."

"No, dear, thank you. I'm glad you trust me enough to ask."

"I do. If things were different, I would have..." Noah couldn't finish. He and Luke were not together anymore.

"I know darling, I know." Lucinda petted Noah's hand reassuringly.

-P-

A couple of hours later, Joe and Bob followed by Lucinda walked into Noah's room to start chemotherapy. Joe and Bob noticed that Noah was nervous and tried to calm him down.

"Okay, Noah. This chemotherapy drip is weakened. It will test to see if you have any reaction to the chemotherapy. If you notice any problems, alert us if you can." said Dr. Barnes.

Within a minute of drip going into his catheter, Noah began to have breathing issues. Choking on his breath, Noah brought one hand to his throat and waived the other in his attempt to alert Bob and Joe.

"Something's wrong." exclaimed Lucinda.

"He's having trouble breathing." Bob said quickly. Lucinda moved out of the way of the doctors.

Joe took the drip out and injected medicine into the catheter but it wasn't helping quickly enough. Noah began to struggle against the doctors as his fear grew that he could suffocate.

"I'm going to put him to sleep. Bob, put in a breathing tube before his throat closes." Joe said calmly.

Joe was able to inject a sleeping agent into his catheter, which put Noah to sleep almost instantly. As soon as Noah was asleep, Bob moved over Noah and tilted Noah's head back to insert a breathing tube. It slipped in with some resistance. If they would have waited another minute or two, they would have had to perform a tracheotomy in order for Noah to breathe.

"Jesus, that was bad." exclaimed Joe as he checked out Noah. "He's better but I think we need to have him watched for the next hour or two before he's out of danger."

"I would agree. I would keep him sedated till morning, so his body can heal quicker."

"Nurse, I want this patent watched for the next two hours. Noah is not to be alone and you are to report any changes or if he attempts to wake up to Dr. Hughes and myself, immediately." said Joe.

"Yes, sir." said the nurse.

As soon as the doctors and Lucinda left the nurse in the room with Noah, she began pestering them with questions about what they were going to do next.

Bob and Joe came back to see Noah two hours later. The swelling in his throat was gone and he was still asleep. Joe took out the breathing tube and hooked Noah up to a respiration monitor as a precaution, which would monitor his breathing and alert the staff if Noah would stop breathing. Lucinda came in and sat with him after everyone had gone.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning, Noah woke up in the hospital with a sore throat. Once his eyes adjusted to the light in the room, he saw that he was hooked up to an intravenous drip. He pressed the call button to bring a nurse into the room.

"Ah, Mr. Mayer, you're awake." said the nurse as she walked into the room. "I'll call the doctor to have him come visit you. Do you need anything before I leave?"

"Some water." Noah whispered in a scratchy voice.

"I'll get you some ice chips. If you're going to start chemotherapy today, you might want to hold off on the liquids just till you know how you will react," warned the nurse. "The intravenous drip will keep you hydrated and I'll be right back with some ice chips."

When she came back in, she was carrying a box with her in one arm and a cup of ice chips in the other. "This was dropped off for you, while you were sleeping," said the nurse as she placed the package and ice chips on Noah's tray table.

Noah took an ice chip and then opened the box. Inside was a note from Sam. "Noah, here is your camera and a stack of DVD's. I put it all together with two extra charged battery packs and extra batteries for the remote. I hope you can convey what you want. It may be hard for you being sick but if you're like every other serious wannabe director, you will have the strength even during an illness to do the best you can for your film." Noah smiled.

Noah took out the camera and played with it a few minutes, while looking over the instructions. "Sweet" he thought, as he looked at the remote and the instructions. He took a few practice shots and everything seemed to be working fine. He erased the memory and placed the camera on the tray and set it up.

-P-  
Noah was just about ready to tape a video when Bob and Joe walked in the door.

"Good, you're awake." said Joe. "How are you feeling this morning?" inquired both doctors while checking Noah's vitals.

"I'm a bit tired still but my throat is sore, what happened yesterday?" Noah croaked out because of his sore throat.

"You had a reaction to the chemo we gave you yesterday," said Joe. "We had to put a breathing tube down your throat because your esophagus was closing up. Everything is back to normal, so we want to try another chemotherapy mix."

"Let's do it." said Noah. "The faster we finish this, the quicker I can get on with my life."

"That's thinking positive." voiced Bob. "What's the camera for?"

"Well, since I can't make my film in Los Angeles, I'm going to journal my treatments, along with my feelings about family and such and try to come up with something worth making into a short film."

"You've had an exciting life so far, especially since you've gotten to Oakdale." Bob thought about every time Luke and Noah ended up here in the hospital.

"I plan to use all that in my film. Basically, it's a documentary slash self-psychotherapy film about how my past screwed up my present and such. I hope it's interesting. I have a _lot_ to share about the colonel and Luke. Anyway, it should keep my mind busy on something other than being sick, I hope." said Noah.

"Sounds good." replied Joe. "Let's get this started."

They started the water down drip and a few minutes later, Noah still seemed to be fine. Bob left but Joe stayed with Noah for almost an hour talking about the cubs.

"Well, it's been about an hour and still no reaction from this water downed chemotherapy, so we should be safe to give it to you full strength. Are you ready?"

"Let's do it."

"You will feel a burning sensation in your vein. That is normal and unfortunately there isn't much we can do for it but you should get somewhat used to it. Here it comes." Joe unclamped the chemotherapy and Noah's first chemotherapy treatment started. Joe stayed in Noah's room for the first half hour of the chemotherapy session and they continued their chat.

"I'll have a nurse come in to sit with you for about an hour. Then someone will be by every few minutes after that. Just give them the thumbs up when she's at the door and she will know you are okay. That way you won't get sick of telling her." Joe said laughing. "lf you need anything, just ask and they will get it for you. Don't eat anything other than a few crackers, until you know how you're going to handle chemotherapy because anything you eat or drink may come back up."

The nurse sat with Noah for about an hour. Noah liked her company because she liked old movies. Noah was already feeling woozy and a bit nauseated from the chemotherapy. His symptoms were normal and the nurse put a little container on a chair next to Noah's bed to throw up into, if he needed. Noah was thrilled by the prospects.

-P-

"Hi, Noah." said Casey as he walked through the door about an hour after the nurse left.

"Hey, Casey, how are you?" He was happy to see his friend.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"I'm getting chemotherapy now. I can't wait to start throwing up." Noah was faking excitement.

"I bet. Just don't hurl my way."

"I'll try not to but I can't make any promises." Noah laughed. "It's making me tired already."

"That sucks. Hey, what's this?" He pointed at the camera.

"I'm going to be documenting my treatment for a possible film, instead of the one I was going to do in Los Angeles."

"Cool, let's try it." Casey grabbed the camera and turned it on and pointed it towards Noah. Noah could see himself on the front viewer.

"Sure, why not. It will be a good test. I'm bored anyway."

"You have a television to watch."

"Have you ever tried to watch a soap opera? They suck." said Noah. "There's one called As The World Turns. Except for the gay characters everyone sucks but the funny thing is that the gay characters don't suck." Noah started laughing and Casey joined in.

"Well, today is my first day of chemotherapy." said Noah. He pointed towards the bottle holding it. "This is the chemotherapy and this is where it goes into my body." as he pulled down his gown.

Casey whistled at the exposed skin, causing Noah to laugh. "I didn't know it was going to be a skin flick." Noah rolled his eyes.

"How are you feeling?" asked Casey.

"Well, I'm getting tired and I'm starting to feel nauseated already. They've given me something for it but I don't think it's working. Look at this small container they gave me. One spew and it's probably filled." Noah could only laugh.

"Nice visual. Are you trying to make everyone spew with you?"

"Well, if I have to, shouldn't everyone?" He chuckled.

"What were you thinking about when I walked in?"

"I was thinking about how my life sucks at the moment." Noah said with a lot of bitterness in his voice.

Casey noticed a change in Noah. He seemed to have been zapped of all his energy in like seconds.

"Luke and I were getting along just fine about a year ago. He was working on gay rights and we had our own place together. We were happy. Then Mason came along and everything went to shit. I had the accident and went blind. I started to blame Luke for everything, boy, if I had known then what I know now, things would have been different." sighed Noah.

Noah continued to look even more tired and seemed to be turning green around the gills as the side effects of the chemotherapy reared its ugly reminder of itself. It spilled out of the little bucket, all over the place.

"And here's the action." Casey cringed. "Man, that's gross."

Noah looked straight into the camera after he stopped throwing up. "I just feel so bad Casey."

"About what?" Casey wasn't sure what Noah was referring to.

"When you have someone you love, don't throw it away. Don't be stupid like I was. I needed to figure out how to handle being blind but I didn't want… don't take the chance that the one you love will fall for someone else. Think about what you're doing every day, so you won't end up like me. I'm alone. I have leukemia. I have nobody to love. No family and no one to take care of me. My whole life has been one fuck up after another. Maybe I should just not even try…" Noah broke down crying. He was unable to continue. The crying was too much for Noah to handle in his weakened state and he drifted off to sleep.

Casey turned off the camera as he watched Noah cry himself to sleep. "How could Noah not want to fight this?" Casey thought to himself. He walked out into the hallway with the camera and sat on a bench and cried for his friend. He then got up to find his grandfather.

"I was with Noah and all of a sudden he went from being virtually fine to hurling and being depressed. Is that normal?" Casey asked Bob.

"It can be. Chemotherapy can zap the energy level from your body pretty quick in some patients," replied Bob.

"You need to look at this." Casey told his grandfather.

Neither Bob nor Casey saw Reid come up behind them as they watched the video.

"Getting sick this fast isn't unusual but his emotional state is troubling. He was so positive when he was telling me and Dr. Barnes about his film. He's only just started his treatments and if he gives up now he'll never survive." Bob sounded worried.

"Noah really has leukemia?" Reid asked with surprise.

"Were you listening to our conversation?" Casey asked with venom in his voice.

"I overheard as I walked up." Reid acted innocent.

"You will tell no one of this. Do I make myself clear?" Bob demanded.

"What can I do to help Noah?"

"Just stay away from Noah. He doesn't have anything left that you can take from him. And don't you dare tell Luke that Noah is sick." Casey walked away leaving Bob and Reid in shock at his anger, to return to Noah's room.

Bob gave Reid a stern look and walked away, leaving Reid standing there, only slightly embarrassed.

-P-

Reid usually didn't listen to many people and as soon as Casey left Noah's room, Reid went right in.

Noah had just finished throwing up again when he saw Reid walk in the door.

"What do you want?" asked Noah as he turned on his video camera quickly.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing? You look terrible."

"You want to know how I'm doing?" Noah laughed.

"Noah, I wish you would stop…"

"Stop what? When you admit that you intentionally came in between Luke and I, then maybe I will stop referring to you as a jerk."

"Okay, fine. I intentionally tried to keep you apart so I could have Luke for myself. I used your problems with Luke to benefit myself. Are you happy now?"

"No. But I appreciate you finally being honest." Noah was grinning on the inside; he knew the camera was on.

"Whether or not you believe me, I do care. Luke is going to feel really bad for yelling at you. I'd like to bring him here to show him that you're sick."

"Hell, no," yelled Noah.

"Noah, he…"

"Why is everything about Luke?" Noah asked. "I'm lying here possibly dying and it's all about what Luke wants. Just like being blind was all about Luke and his feelings. Well what the fuck about mine?"

"Noah…"

"No. I told him I was diagnosed with leukemia and he laughed at me...Even after he dumped me, I never tried to make him feel bad about leaving me or kissing you. I never made him feel guilty or less than human and during that one conversation that we were trying to have, he made me feel lower than dirt."

"Noah, I think Luke was…"

"Not now, Dr. Oliver," warned Noah as he started throwing up again.

Reid waited till Noah stopped vomiting. "I didn't come here to fight, Noah. I only wanted to check on you and to tell you that I don't think Luke meant to hurt you."

Noah laughed. "You don't think? I know you think everything in my relationship with Luke is my fault but it's not. Have you been kidnapped because of Luke? Or how about getting shot? Or how about being blamed because he rigged an election? Or him jealous and drunk when he tried to make out with his new grandfather? Or witnessed him hitting Mason because he was jealous? Have you even met the impulsive Luke yet? No, you haven't, so don't you dare even try to tell me anything about Luke because I was with him for almost three years. You've been with him for all of ten seconds."

"I understand. Shutting him out isn't going to help you get better. You will need all the support you can get."

"I'm not shutting him out. I made that mistake once and I'll never make it again. I don't want to see him right now because the last time I talked with Luke, I passed out in Java's parking lot." Noah yawned. He was exhausted from arguing with Reid.

"What?" Reid was surprised.

"Ali found me passed out in Java's parking lot. It took me an hour to come to. I've been here since I told Luke."

"What's with all the shouting?" asked Lucinda as she walked into the room.

"I'll leave you two alone. Just think about it, Noah, please. God, I hate this being human shit. Get some rest." Reid walked out the door.

"What was all that about?"

"He wanted to bring Luke by, I told him no."

"I think you should tell the family."

"I tried to tell Luke, he just laughed in my face. That's what Dr. Shithead wanted to talk to me about."

"Noah, I'm sure he didn't mean it," replied Lucinda, not believing her grandson could be so cruel.

"Yes, he meant it. He's made it clear to me that he doesn't want to be with me. You can tell the family but I don't want anyone telling Luke that I'm sick." Noah threw up again.

"I knew I could talk you into it." She smiled and left the room to make a phone call. Noah rolled his eyes.

-P-

After Lucinda had left, Noah turned on the camera.

"I suppose I should start at the beginning. I grew up with a colonel father who led me to believe pretty much my entire life that my mother was dead. We moved around all the time. I had virtually no friends until I came here to Oakdale." started Noah.

Noah was so engrossed in what he was saying that he didn't even hear Lucinda walk back into the room.

"The bastard used to lock me in closets when I wasn't the perfect son. I remember being six years old and bringing home less than perfect report card for which I got locked in the closet by my ever perfect father. 'Stupid boys don't get into the marines' he used to say to me. When I was eight, I got in trouble in school on a Friday and I was in the closet the entire weekend. I had to do my homework with a flashlight and when the batteries ran out, I had to beg him for new ones. All I got was bread and water that weekend, like I was some sort of criminal." Noah said looking into the camera, as tears were rolling down his face.

"What did it feel like being locked up in the closet?" asked Lucinda quietly.

"I was lonely and scared. I was only a small boy at the time. I didn't really know why I was in there but I knew it was because dad was unhappy with me. I tried to please him but I never could." Noah spoke softly through his tears. "That's why I had such a bad reaction to going blind. The darkness of being blind reminded me of being in that closet as a kid. I could never get that image out of my head the whole time I couldn't see. It was like I was six years old again."

Noah continued after his tears stopped, "I had to learn a whole new way of life. I had to navigate my way in the world without using my eyes. I would never be able to make a movie. How would I make money to support myself? I was in twenty-four hour panic mode that I just couldn't get out of. My whole way of life changed in one flash but the worst thing was that I would never be able to look into Luke's eyes."

"Luke's eyes?"

"Yes, Luke's eyes. Whenever I would look into his eyes, I would get lost in them and all my fears seemed to disappear. It was almost a drug to me. When I couldn't look into them anymore, I went into withdrawal. I just kept thinking that I'll never again be able to look into the eyes of the man I loved. I couldn't handle it and the more I tried, the angrier I got. I took my anger out on the wrong person."

"Sometimes we do that, Noah. We don't intend to but it happens."

"I know everyone thinks I'm to blame for everything and they might be right about a lot of it but Luke can be a very difficult at times. Not everything was my fault."

"I know that dear. We all do."

Noah shut off the camera. Noah was extremely tired and couldn't go on.

"Well, that was a good start. I've alerted the family and I'm going to have a meeting with them in an hour at the farm."

"It's like the godfather." Noah laughed. "Thank you for caring about me, Lucinda. I know you don't have to."

"Of course I do, you silly boy. You are part of my family whether you like it or not. I'll be back, get some rest. You're looking tired."

Noah yawned at the exact moment she finished speaking. "I think that is a good idea." He laid back on his pillow. Lucinda gave him a kiss and headed to the farm.


	6. Chapter 6

Lucinda walked into the Snyder kitchen and was surprised to see that the room was completely full.

"Mother, what are we doing here?" Lily asked immediately. Everyone was asking themselves the same question.

"I have something to tell everyone. It's not pleasant news." warned Lucinda.

"Luke isn't here." Holden spoke up.

"Luke is not to know. Is this understood?" Lucinda warned. Everyone shook their head yes.

Lily started crying. "Is your cancer back?"

"No, dear, it's not me. It's Noah. He has leukemia." Lucinda tried to remain calm.

"Oh, that dear boy. Hasn't he been through enough?" cried Emma.

"He has." Lucinda replied sadly.

"Is he okay?" asked Holden with worry in his voice.

"He's having a hard time with it."

"How bad is it?" asked Jack.

"They caught it early and his prognosis is good."

"Where is he now?" Emma was still crying.

"He's in the hospital. They gave him a watered down chemotherapy yesterday to see if he would have any reactions to it and he did. They had to sedate him and put in a breathing tube but he's okay now. They gave him another combination today which he had no reaction to."

"How did you find out?" asked Lily.

"I had my annual checkup and saw him in oncology. I'm still in remission. The boy thought he could lie to me about it. Can you believe it?" Lucinda laughed.

"When was this?" asked Holden.

"A couple days ago."

"Why didn't he come to us?" asked a tearful Emma.

"He felt that since he lost Luke, he lost us as well."

"That's stupid," replied Jack. "Once a Snyder, always a Snyder." Everyone joined in and helped Jack finish.

"Actually it's not, Jack. I didn't invite him to the wedding. We haven't invited him to any barbeques we've had this summer," Holden had to admit.

"And I didn't invite him to Gabriel's party. We didn't even have a party for him when he got his eyesight back." replied a guilt ridden Lily.

"We got so busy in our lives that we forgot about Noah." Holden said sadly.

"Young Casey Hughes videotaped Noah for a film that Noah's doing and part of what Noah has said that since Luke and he broke up, he has nobody to love him and he's wondering if he should just give up." This brought gasps from Lily and Emma. "Allison tells me that he refused to unpack his things. He said it might be easier on us."

Nobody heard Luke pull into the driveway or walk onto the porch. He stopped and listened for a minute before he opened the kitchen door and walked in. "So it's true?"

"Yes." Lucinda was embarrassed they got caught.

"I didn't believing him." Luke said as he started to cry.

"I know, he told me." Lucinda gave Luke an icy stare that sent shivers through him.

"I thought he was trying to get me back." Luke tried to explain.

"You called his actions pathetic." Lucinda's chastising him.

"I…"

"I could care less what you think, right now." yelled Lucinda as tears were falling from her face.

Luke stiffened at Lucinda's stern voice. He knew that he deserved it, so he just stood there quietly.

"How did he take Luke's reaction?" Lily asked trying to stay calm.

"He spent the night in the hospital after he collapsed in Java's parking lot. He woke up in the hospital, crying. They had to sedate him to calm him down."

Luke just stood there in shock as tears rolled down his face. He couldn't believe how wrong he was. "I'm sorry. I'll go apologize to him."

"No. You are not to see him at all, until Noah tells us that you can visit him. Have I made myself clear?" Holden said loudly.

"Yes sir." Luke said looking defeated. "Tell him...I'm sorry."

Emma, crying, stood up from the table and walked out of the room. It was just too much for her to take.

"Okay everyone...anyone who wasn't tested for Liberty needs to get tested for Noah, including those who live out of town." Jack said gathering the troops. "I think we need to talk to Noah and his doctor before we do anything public. Lucinda can let the Dean at Oakdale University know and I can let get the police union involved to get people out and tested."

"That's a good start." said Holden. "We can talk to Kim about putting something on the air at WOAK if we need to as well."

The meeting broke up but Luke just stood there crying. Lily walked up to Luke and lifted up his chin. "Are you okay?"

"No." Luke replied truthfully.

"I'm not going to lecture or yell at you. I think you feel bad enough." Lily calmly pulled him into a hug. He broke down and wept in his mother's arms.

-P-

Fifteen minutes later, all the Snyders were walking into the hospital when they were stopped by Bob wanting to know what they were all there for.

"We want to get tested for Noah." said Holden.

"What, all of you?" Bob was surprised.

"The Snyders stick together," said Jack.

Every Snyder said, "Yeah!"

Bob laughed. "There is one thing you can do for me. Noah is feeling really down…"

Interrupting Bob's words, Holden spoke up. "Lucinda told us about the tape."

"Good. Noah shouldn't be in contact with a lot of people while undergoing chemotherapy but if you went by his door to show your support that would be great. Just be quiet so you won't disturb other patients.

"Be quiet?" Jack looked offended. "The Snyders are not loud people." Everyone, including Bob, broke out in laughter.

Luke went to get Reid and went directly to the lab while the rest of the Snyders quietly checked on Noah.

-P-

Lily and Holden went into Noah's room to talk to him. They both noticed right off how pale he looked.

"Noah?" whispered Lily as she shook him awake a little.

"Yeah?" Noah said as has he tried to wake up.

"How are you feeling?" asked Holden.

"Not too great. I'm nauseated all the time and I can't stop throwing up." He threw up just as he finished talking.

"Maybe Emma can make you something to calm your stomach." replied Lily.

"I doubt I could keep it down. I haven't been able to keep anything down. They are injecting all sorts of stuff into my IV but none of them has worked so far."

"We wanted to stop by and let you know that we support you. You are part of our family and always will be, Noah," said Holden. "Turn your camera on and face it towards the door and zoom it so you get the entire door and window."

When Noah was done, all the Snyders started going by the door. The men gave thumbs up and the woman blew a kiss. Noah waved at everyone going by and was thrilled that so many came out to wish him well.

"Every Snyder who didn't get tested for Liberty is going to get tested to find out if anyone is a match," said Holden. "Even the Snyders who live out of town. Every last one is getting tested for you Noah."

"Thank you." Noah swallowed a lump in his throat. "It means a lot to me."

"We know what happened with Luke." said Lily. "He came home and overheard our conversation with Lucinda. He's truly sorry, Noah. He feels absolutely, horrible."

Noah just broke down and started crying. "It hurt so bad to hear him say those things to me."

"None of us will excuse anything he said but he's down with the rest getting checked out," replied Holden.

"He is?"

"Yes. He would like to apologize but we told him not to come until you say it is alright," replied Lily.

"I won't keep him away. That's how I lost him in the first place and I won't make that mistake ever again." He threw up again and began to yawn.

"We will have him drop by tomorrow, if that's okay. You're beginning to look tired."

"Yes, I am. Thank everyone for me. I'll tape a little note when I get a chance. It really means a lot to me that you've all done this."

Noah was soundly asleep before Holden and Lily made it to the door. Lily grabbed Holden as soon as the door closed behind them. "He looks pretty bad."

-P-

The next morning Noah woke up and started to tape his thank you video for the Snyders.

"I never really had a family before. It was just the colonel and me for all those years. Most of the time, he was off on maneuvers. As a kid it upset me that I was alone all the time but now I'm thankful that he was gone. When Luke and Emma invited me to say that first Christmas at the farm, I was so grateful but also scared. A house full of Snyders is not an easy thing to get used to but you soon had me loving each one of you, even Brad." laughed Noah as tears were falling down his face.

"The happiest memory I have is when Luke and I made lo… oh, wait, I can't tell you that one," laughed Noah. "Well, the second… I can't tell you that either," Noah continued to laugh. "The happiest memory, I can tell you about, was the first Christmas I spent at the farm. I was so wired because I had someone I wanted to spend a holiday with. It was around the first time Luke told me he loved me and all I said was same here." Noah's voice got agitated. "I didn't know about love. I never had it before. I don't think I even felt it before. If you noticed that Luke and I kept disappearing, it was because I couldn't handle all the love and having everyone around. It's not something I was used to with the colonel and it frightened me."

"Being sick makes you think differently. It makes you understand what really is important in your life. It's loving people and being loved back." Noah started to cry. "Don't be stupid and let it slip out of your hands because you will regret it for the rest of your lives. I know some of you are going through some hard times with your loved ones, so don't let it go for another minute without telling that person that you love them. It's too important. Don't let them slip from through your fingers." Noah was crying openly now. "I didn't understand and now I'm all alone. Not a second goes by that I don't regret it. I wanted to fix it but it was too late. Don't let it be too late for you. Please, don't let it be too late for you." Noah had finally broken down and was unable to continue the video. He drifted off to sleep crying for the loss he felt.


	7. Chapter 7

Noah woke up a couple of hours later and the first thing he saw was Luke standing outside his room but before Noah could react, he threw up. When Noah looked back up, it looked like Luke was debating on whether or not to walk into the room. The next time Luke looked back into the room, Noah waved him in and turned on the camera.

Luke slowly opened up the door to Noah's room and walked in. He took notice right away that Noah was looking thin and slightly greenish around the neck. He walked up to the bed with tears in his eyes.

"I'm really sorry for what I said at Java." Luke said with shame. "I'm sorry that I didn't believe you."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not." said Luke. "I only wanted to come in to apologize for that I said. I was a stupid son of a bitch and I know that you probably hate me now and I'll leave but I just wanted to tell that I was a jerk and I'm sorry." Luke finished with tears rolling down his face.

"I don't hate you, Luke but I will admit that I was very hurt by what you said." Noah spoke truthfully. "I was furious at you for a while but I've never been able to stay mad at you for very long."

"I completely understand if you don't want to see me but…"

"You can visit, Luke. I won't stop you." Noah turned greenish and started throwing up. Luke just stood there in shock, not knowing what to do. After Noah was done, Luke started talking again.

"You don't hate me?" Luke was shocked. He was expecting Noah to yell and scream at him.

"Remember you told me about how Lucinda changed after she got cancer?"

"Yes."

"Well, it's true. You do change and you do understand things differently than before. I shouldn't have told you in Java. I should have had you come to the hospital to Dr. Barnes office or told you with Lucinda around."

"No, I should have believed you." Luke still felt ashamed of his actions and words. "I shouldn't have jumped to the wrong conclusion."

"Like you've never done that before." laughed Noah. "It's okay. I forgive you, Luke."

Luke was surprised that Noah was laughing but he thought he should change the subject.

"So, what did the doctors say?"

"Well, it's leukemia and it's in an early stage since I didn't seem to have it when I was tested for brain surgery. They are trying chemotherapy and if that doesn't work, they will try radiation or a bone marrow transplant."

"Wow." Not knowing what else to say, Luke just stood there staring at Noah hoping someone would break the eerie silence that had crept into the room.

"Yeah." Noah lowered eye lids to hide the tears welling up in his eyes and blew out a quick breath.

"What's wrong?" He noticed Noah was hiding something.

"I've been through a lot with my father, with us, being blind and I just hope I have the strength to do this."

"Of course you can, Noah. You're a very strong person," he said positively.

"I'm not strong, Luke. You of all people should know that." Noah replied curtly.

"What about Richard?"

"What about him?"

"Isn't he here for you?"

"No, why would he?" Not knowing what Luke was asking.

"I thought that since you were close…"

"What? Luke, I told you we were just friends. Why don't you believe me?" Noah was ticked off. "I haven't seen him since I saw you kiss…um…for a while."

"You just seemed so close."

"You were jealous and assumed we were close. I don't think he's even in Oakdale anymore." Noah threw up again.

After Noah finished throwing up, he laid his head back against the pillow and closed his eyes for a few seconds. "I swear to god, I'm going to disembowel myself one of these times."

"Listen, you're tired and I'm going to get out of here and let you sleep."

"That might be good. I am getting tired."

Noah watched Luke walk out the door and turn towards the elevators, feeling even more depressed.

Luke held it together until he got out of sight of Noah's room and he totally broke down in Ali's arms as she was coming to see Noah. When Luke pulled himself together, he swore Ali to secrecy that she wouldn't tell anyone that he broke down. Luke knew what he had to do. He called his parents and asked them to meet him at the farm in an hour.

-P-

When Luke arrived at the farm, he rushed right in and found everyone sitting at the table waiting for him. "I just talked to Noah and I'm worried about him."

"What? I thought we told you to stay away from him." Holden replied in a loud voice.

"He waved me into his room." Luke played innocent.

Holden wasn't buying any of it but let it go.

"He thinks that he can't do this."

"We know." replied Lily. "Mother told us."

"We need to help him."

"We?" asked Emma.

"Yes, we all need to help him. We need to rally around him and show him that he's loved."

"Loved?" asked Holden.

"Dad, you and mom have broken up more than anyone I know. Don't get on my case now. We need to help Noah."

"Luke is right." replied Emma. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well, I'll pick out one of those small laptops with a 3G wireless in it, so he can get internet access where ever he is. We will get grandmother to give it to him. He won't turn her down. He can use that to have Will and Gwen, Jade, Maddie and anyone else we can get to email him. Then we can set up a rotation of people who can drop by and talk to him, for starters." replied Luke.

"Sounds like a pretty good start. I'm sure, on good days, he wouldn't mind a few oatmeal-raisin cookies." Holden winked at his mom.

-P-

A couple of days later, Noah laid in a hospital bed thinking about how drastically his life had changed in a year. He turned on the camera and started talking.

"I was very happy when Luke and I moved in together but everything changed when I went blind. I did what I always did in a time of crisis, I receded into myself to work things out but only this time things couldn't be worked out. I was blind for life unless I could get someone to fix it, but Luke kept pushing me and the harder Luke pushed, the more I receded into himself. The more Luke tried to help, the angrier I got. Luke finally gave me an ultimatum when he got tired of me. Either I'm all in or I'm all out. Well, I was dumb and chose out. I let the love of my life go because I couldn't grasp being blind and I didn't want to hold him back. I didn't want him to become my caretaker. I wanted him to be my lover, only I didn't think I couldn't be that anymore. Without my eyes, I felt I couldn't contribute properly. Stupid isn't it? Looking back, I wonder how I could have believed that. Well, it was my father coming through again. You're either perfect or your shit. God, why did I listen to that man? I never should have." He began to cry.

"When I got my sight back, it was one of the happiest times in my life, until I saw Luke kissing Dr. Oliver at Lily's house. I was so angry. He had agreed to work on our relationship but he was kissing another man. All I could think of is Brian. Like Dr. Oliver, Brian wasn't much of a catch but Luke kissed him anyway. I suppose I wasn't much of a catch either at first but Dr. Oliver, man, the guy has a bad attitude. He never utters a word unless it's an insult. Anyway, we got to Yo's and that's when Luke said that he wanted to be with me and not Reid. When I told him that I saw him kissing Dr. Oliver, he was surprised that I didn't tell him that I could see. Well, when could I have, between his and Dr. Oliver's kisses?" Noah paused, he was getting tired again.

"Well, after the passionate kiss he and Dr. Oliver had, it was obviously he had feelings for him. There was no way I could stand in his way. It was my own fault for pushing him away. There was no way I could take him choosing another man over me, so I didn't let him choose. I chose for him. I concentrated on my future and tried to let him go but the more I tried the more I thought about him every day. Hell, I even helped out their relationship because I didn't want to see Luke unhappy but Dr. Oliver and Luke kept coming into Java all the time. I could almost swear it was just to shove it in my face. I tried to ignore it and even considered quitting but I needed the job to stay in college and to live. I'm poor and when you have no money, you have to do things that you may not want to do. Luke could do what he wanted, he was born into money and Dr. Oliver is a lot older than us and is established in his field and has money because of that. I'm just a poor son of a bitch who has nobody. My father is in jail for killing my mother and I have no other family than an aunt, which I'm not very close with. I was really excited when I got the funding to do a movie in Los Angeles. A chance at a new beginning for me. A chance to start making movies, which is what I've always wanted to do and a chance to move on with my life, without Luke and without running into Luke and his new boyfriend on almost daily basis. Sure, I was going to start living my dream, but when I met Luke, he became my biggest dream. Making movies fell to a distant second." Noah sighed. He yawned and then shut off his camera and drifted back off to sleep again. It was the first time he was able to get through a taping without throwing up in the middle of it.

-P-

Luke set his plans into motion. He's lined up people to go visit Noah and purchased a small laptop with an active wireless 3G card in it, so Noah can have access to the internet without having to rely on the hospital's wireless connection. He sat down and emailed friends, letting them know about Noah and suggested they email Noah but not let on that they know he has cancer. He did make one phone call though.

"Hello" said Maddie, as she answered her phone.

"Maddie, its Luke. How are you doing?"

"It's great to hear from you Luke. How are you thing going in Oakdale?"

"Not so good. I have some bad news to give you."

"What is it?" Luke could hear the fear in her voice.

"It's Noah. He has leukemia. They caught it early though."

"Oh my God." Maddie started to cry. "Is he okay?"

"He's just started his chemotherapy but he's really depressed. He could really use his friends to rally around him. If could email him and not let on you know, I know he would appreciate it."

"Okay, I'll do that now. How is he emotionally?"

"As I said, he's really depressed and I didn't handle it too well…"

"What did you do?"

"Well, I accused him of lying to me..." He was ashamed.

"Why, Luke, why did you say that?" Maddie was angry.

"He told me he loved me and then he comes up with this leukemia thing. What was I supposed to think? I swear, I didn't know."

"Luciano Snyder, if I was there I would kick your ass," Maddie shouted into the phone.

"I know I deserve it but he accepted my apology."

"Okay, I'll let it go for now but maybe you shouldn't see him."

Luke was in shock. How could she say such a thing?

"I'm not saying this to hurt you Luke but you're not with Noah anymore and he's still in love with you. It may be worse for you to be there for Noah."

"No, Maddie, you can't think…"

"I'm just saying it. You don't have to take my advice but this is about Noah, not about you. You need to put him first."

"Why do you think I'm calling you?"

"I'm sorry, Luke, you know I love you but you have a tendency not to think sometimes. I have to get to class. I'll email Noah. Thanks for telling me." She hung up the phone quickly.

Luke just sat there stunned by the conversation. "I can't stay away from Noah. He needs me and I need him."

-P-

Lucinda dropped by Noah's hospital room with a laptop and shortly thereafter all his friends have started emailing and calling him. "Something is going on and it must be Luke." Noah thought to himself. Catching up with everyone helped bring up Noah's spirits a bit and giving him the opportunity to not focus on being stuck in the hospital because he couldn't stop throwing up after chemotherapy. The doctors have tried multiple medicines but so far nothing was working.


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning, Noah woke up and since he had some energy, he decided to take a shower. He did a quick video and went into the bathroom, took off his gown and stepped into the shower. He took out some shampoo and started lathering up his head when he noticed clumps of hair stuck to his hands. He knew this day was coming but he hoped it wouldn't. He backed up against the wall of the shower and slid down to the floor crying, just looking at his soapy hair filled hands sent shivers down his back. Sitting in the shower stall, Noah rocked back and forth from shock and that was how Luke found him ten minutes later.

"What's wrong, Noah?" Luke shut off the water.

"Look at my hair. It's falling out." Noah cried.

Luke fell to his knees and pulled Noah's head into his chest. Noah just sat there crying as he snuggled into Luke's chest.

"It's okay, Noah." Luke whispered softly to try to relax Noah.

"No, it's not." Noah replied in a loud voice.

"Why isn't it?"

"I know you don't want to be here. I heard you loud and clear." Noah pulled out of the hug and moved over to the other wall.

"What are you talking about?"

"When you broke up with me, when you told me you wanted to be with him and then when you called me pathetic," yelled Noah, as tears streamed down his face.

"Noah, I didn't know…"

"Yeah, I'm such a liar, Luke. When have you known me to lie?" The more the conversation went on the more agitated Noah became.

"What's going on? Why is Noah naked?" asked Reid as he walked into the bathroom.

"Get him the fuck out of here," Noah yelled out at Luke as he pointed at Reid.

"Reid, get Bob or Joe in here quick with something to calm him down," Luke said quietly to Reid.

Reid left and Noah's rant continued. He started to grab at his hair pulling it out of his head and throw it around the bathroom.

"Noah, stop that," Luke tried to grab onto Noah's arms.

"I'm such a fuck up," Noah repeated over and over.

"What's going on in here?" asked Bob.

"Jesus, can't I have a meltdown in peace please," yelled Noah.

"Get out of the way, Luke," said Bob. He took Luke's place and plunged in a syringe into Noah's arm that contained a sedative.

Lucinda watched all the commotion going on in the bathroom when she stopped by Noah's room for a visit. "What happened to Noah?"

"His hair is falling out and it caused Noah to have a panic attack of sorts," replied Bob.

"He belongs in the psych ward," Reid said off hand.

"Shut up, Reid," yelled Luke.

"Help me get him to his bed," said Bob.

Bob and Luke grabbed an arm. Reid reached for Noah.

"Get the fuck away from me," Noah struggled to get away from Reid.

"Get out of here Reid," yelled Bob.

"Yeah," laughed a dopy Noah as the sedative started to take effect.

By the time they got him into bed, Noah was mumbling. Everyone listened as Noah spoke in a soft sleepy voice. "I'm such a fuck up. Just leave me here to die."

"No. You're not a fuck up," Luke started to cry. "Don't you ever talk about dying again! Do you hear me?"

"That's what he used to say to me. 'Your such a fuck up, Noah, you should have died with your mother.'" Noah said in a sleepy voice. "You're better off without me, Luke. Go have a life with Dr. Housewannabe and just forget about me. I'm not worth the trouble."

"Yes you are," cried Luke. "I love you Noah." Reid's head almost snapped off as he turned towards Luke. "Our family loves you. We will take care of you."

"Go be with your new alcohol, Dr. Vulcan. Nobody here can stand him," giggled Noah. "He made a nurse cry."

Reid was getting a little hot under the collar.

"Everyone abandons me in the end. You and your family are no different." Noah said before he finally fell asleep.

Luke stumbled back against the wall and sank to the floor as he cried his eyes out. Reid just stood there by the bed looking at Luke like he could kill him.

Lucinda got mad when Reid didn't even try to comfort Luke. "What are you standing here for?" she asked Reid.

"What?" Reid sounded annoyed.

"Are you going to comfort him or not?" Lucinda pointed to her crying grandson.

"I'm not sure. He said he loved Noah," shrugged an unemotional Reid.

"Get the fuck out of this room now before I toss you out the window. You worthless piece of shit." Lucinda warned.

Reid just looked at Lucinda but Bob grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the room.

-P-

Lucinda walked over to Luke and tried to comfort him.

"Did you hear him? He wants to die." Luke continued to cry. "Why would he want to die?"

"Noah feels he doesn't have anyone. He thinks we abandoned him. He's scared and he's panicking."

"He has us. We love him," replied Luke.

"Darling, you're with another man and the family hasn't been there for him at all." Lucinda said bluntly.

"But…but...that doesn't matter. I'm here for him."

"You go home to another man. You know it matters to him," Lucinda tried to be gentle.

Luke just looked at her and then got up and walked out of the room with tears in his eyes.

Lucinda got up and stood by Noah's bed. She put her hand in his as she watched Noah sleep. "You're one of my grandchildren, Noah. I will make sure you get the best care we can get."

Noah forgot to turn it off the camera before he went to the shower. The camera caught the audio and some of the visual of the whole incident.

-P-

Luke walked out of Noah's door and stopped with a hurt look on his face when he saw Reid but Reid had no expression.

Luke looked disgusted at Reid. "You have no fucking compassion for anyone, do you? What the hell have I been doing for months? Human, I don't think you will ever become one."

Bob and Joe walked past Luke and Reid and went into Noah's room.

"I'll be back," Luke spat at Reid as he followed Bob and Joe into Noah's room.

Reid walked away in disgust and went to do his hospital rounds.

Luke walked back into the room. "What happened to him?"

"On top of Noah's panic attack, we think Noah may be having a side effect of the drugs he's taking. They can cause depression in some patients." said Joe. "We need to contact a therapist to see if Noah's weakened emotional state is normal depression or if it's the drugs. If we need to, we can administer a low-dose antidepressant."

"Can we get Linda?" asked Lucinda. "She is very good. She helped me out a lot during my cancer treatment."

"I'll call her."

"And that should keep this from happening again?" asked Luke.

"We will have to see," Joe wasn't willing to give a firm answer.

"I've never seen Noah lose control like that before. It scared the hell out of me," replied Luke.

"For now, he will sleep for at least 5-7 hours. Let's just let Noah sleep it off. In the meantime, we can talk to Linda and then give him some antidepressants, if she thinks it's appropriate," said Bob as he moved towards the door. Joe followed him out the door to go find Linda.

"I'll stay with him for a while. You go find Reid," Lucinda turned to her grandson.

"No. I need some time before I do that." In all honesty Luke didn't know how to handle the Reid situation, all he knew was that he needed to get out of the hospital so that wouldn't pull Reid's head off.

Lucinda smiled at the possibility that Luke and Reid may be having some issues. She loved Luke and wouldn't want him hurt but Reid was too much like herself and she wouldn't want anyone like herself for her favorite grandson.

-P-

Noah woke up about six hours later. He was tired, disoriented and thought he was in the shower. "What am I doing in bed?" he asked himself. He noticed that the full memory light on his camera was blinking. "I must have left it on," thought Noah, "What the hell happened?" Noah pressed play on the camera and watched what was taped. Noah was shocked by what he heard and saw on the video. "How could this happen?"

Lucinda walked in the room just as Noah was dumping the video to DVD. "Oh, you're awake."

"What the hell happened to me?" asked Noah with panic in his voice.

"Panic attack and it's possible that you are having a side effect from the medicine, causing depression. But it could just be a normal emotional release too."

"I can hear myself on the video. I was absolutely mental. It must have scared Luke to death."

"Losing your hair can be very emotional. I know it was for me. I had a meltdown or two myself. It happens, even to the best of us."

"Yeah, my hair." He turned his head saw some on his pillow.

Lucinda reached over and turned on the video camera.

"You had a traumatic experience this morning. Tell me about it."

"I don't really know what happened other than I was taking a shower and my hair was all over my hands. The next thing I remember is waking up feeling disoriented." Noah said with some confusion. "I must not have turned off the camera because it caught all of the action. I don't even remember any of it."

"How do you feel about losing your hair?"

"I don't like my hair too short because it reminds me of when my dad used to shave it off so he wouldn't have to deal with it but losing it this way...is just another in your face, you have cancer..." Noah spoke through his tears.

Lucinda moved closer, pulling him into a hug as Noah began to cry on her shoulder.

Lucinda switched off the camera. "Take a nap, you're tired."

"Sounds good," replied Noah. He was asleep before Lucinda was out the door. Noah slept for most of the evening and through the night, because of the panic attack, the chemotherapy, his weakened emotional and physical state.


	9. Chapter 9

Casey walked into his house and saw his parents sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch. His words caught in his throat but after having returned from visiting Noah, he knew he had to help his friend. There was only one solution to Noah's nausea and he thought he knew what it was.

"Can I ask you something?" inquired Casey.

"Sure, honey." said Margo.

"As parents, not as lawyer and cop."

"Oh God, what is it Casey? Are you in trouble?" asked Margo.

"No, I'm not in any trouble." Casey rolled his eyes.

"Then what is it?" asked Tom.

"Before I get into that, just remember I didn't just go out and do it. I came to you first." Casey told his parents.

"Okay, just tell us," replied Margo.

"It's Noah. He's on chemotherapy and can't keep any food down…"

Tom and Margo knew what was coming next.

"Stop," Margo held up her hand. "Casey, you can't be caught with marijuana. Your parole will be revoked."

"But mom…"

"Your mom is right. You can't be caught with it," said Tom. "We are happy you talked to us first but you can't be involved."

"What is Noah supposed to do? He looks really bad."

"I'll go see Noah and talk to your grandfather after lunch," said Margo. "We will figure it out. Just stay out of it."

"Okay," sighed Casey.

They finished their lunch and Margo headed to the hospital to talk to her father-in-law.

-P-

"Can I see you for a minute in Noah's room," asked Margo.

"Sure." replied Bob.

When as they entered Noah's room, they saw him throwing up. As soon as Margo laid her eyes on Noah, she was shocked by how bad he looked.

"He's throwing up a lot?"

"We've given him just about everything we can try and nothing is helping him keep anything down."

"I talked to Casey over lunch. Hypothetically, what would you say if we could get him some, let's say, something that isn't medically given in this state. Would that help?" Margo gave the universal drag sign.

Bob laughed and understood what she was talking about. "Well, medically, we can't do that here but it has been known to work."

"Does he need to be here in the hospital?"

"He's only here because he's throwing up and we can keep an eye on him. If he does...and he stops throwing up, then he should be able to stay home until his next treatment."

"Good. I'll make some arrangements." Margo talked to Noah for a few minutes, then left the hospital and headed out to the Snyder farm.

-P-

Margo knocked on the Synders porch door. She could smell something delicious but that wasn't unusual for Emma's kitchen to have wondrous smells coming from it.

"Can I talk to you for a minute Emma?"

"Sure, what can I help you with?" Emma opened the door to let her in.

"I want to talk to you about that patch growing in the south field."

"I'm not sure what you mean?" Emma replied with a straight face.

"Let's cut to the chase. I've known about it for years. I know it's for Gladys' glaucoma. It's a small patch. We know you don't sell or use it, so we've let it go," said Margo.

"I still don't…"

Margo cut her off. "Casey talked to me about Noah. He needs some weed to get him over the sickness from chemotherapy. Nothing else is working. If he stays here, he can get some and it won't have to transported nor will there be a risk of anyone getting caught."

"Noah can stay here. I wanted him to but he said no," Emma was still playing dumb.

"Okay, I'll make arrangements with Bob...thanks." She turned around and walked out the door. "She missed her calling. She should've been an actress." she thought to herself.

-P-

All the arrangements were made. Noah was released from the hospital and traveled to the farm with Holden. When Noah got comfortable in a bedroom at the farm, he took a quick nap but woke up when he had to throw up. Emma heard him vomiting and walked into his room.

"How are you feeling, Noah?" asked Emma in a way only she could.

"I'm tired and sick of throwing up." complained Noah.

"We may have a fix for that." Emma pulled out what looked like cigarette.

"They've tried everything, but I keep throwing up."

"Yes, honey, but they didn't try this."

"A cigarette?"

"No, it's not a cigarette. It's marijuana."

Noah started to laugh. "Is that why I'm here, so you can get me high?"

"The medical use for marijuana is well documented. It should stop you from throwing up, so you can eat. You're getting way too skinny for my taste."

Noah smiled. "Let's light it up. I'm tired of throwing up."

"Good, because I made a good healthy supper for you and if you throw it up, I'll be hurt forever," giggled Emma.

Noah only laughed for a second before he felt sick to his stomach again.

"Come on, let's get you outside so you can smoke this and then you can have lunch with us. Oh and don't tell anyone, I mean anyone, about this." She glared her warning.

"I won't." He knew that glare meant death to those who ignored it.

Emma helped Noah down to a lounge chair she put in a secluded area close to the house.

"Now honey, do you know how to smoke a joint?"

Noah laughed. "Yes, Emma, I've smoked a joint before..." Emma gave him a questioning look. "Before I came to Oakdale." Emma seemed to relax.

"Then I'll leave you to it. Just call me if you need anything."

"You better start making some oatmeal raisin cookies," Noah giggled and Emma smiled back.

-P-

The marijuana worked. Noah was able to eat a full meal, plus a few cookies but he was exhausted. The meal was delicious but he was so tired from the chemotherapy that he couldn't do much other than eat, sleep or poop. He had been sleeping for about ten minutes when he heard his door open and felt a little body crawl into his bed.

"What's going on Ethan?" Noah yawned.

"Can I take a nap with you?" Ethan asked with a yawn.

"Sure, buddy," Noah smiled.

Ethan put his back towards Noah chest. Noah put an arm around Ethan and both drifted off to sleep.

About a half hour later Emma came up looking for Ethan. She found him and Noah taking a nap together. Noah was holding Ethan gently, in a hug, like a father would his child. She picked up the remote to Noah's camera and hit the record button. The view finder came on and she saw Noah and Ethan. She went into her bathroom and blew her nose and wiped away her tears. She quietly went back to Noah's room and hit stop on the remote.

-P-

A week later, Noah was back in the hospital undergoing more chemotherapy. Luke dropped by to talk to him. Unbeknownst to Luke, Reid had been trying to get in touch with him for a few hours. The only place left for Reid to search for Luke was in the hospital and that's when he found him sitting by Noah's bed. Luke felt someone's gaze on him and when he looked up, Reid waved him out into the hallway.

"What's wrong?" asked a weary Luke.

"I'm a close match for Noah's bone marrow," said Reid.

"That's great. We should tell Noah," Luke was excited.

"Wait."

"Wait? What do you mean Wait? What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You're not fooling me. What's wrong?"

"Do you have to be with him all the time?" It almost sounded like he was whining.

"I'm not..." Luke started to protest.

"Yes, you are. If you're not with him, you're call him or you're thinking about him."

"Are you jealous?"

"Don't treat me like I'm an idiot." Reid walked into Noah's room with Luke behind him.

Noah scowled when he saw Reid walk into his room. He was taping but he didn't shut off the camera.

"I'm not a perfect match but my marrow the closest so far," said Reid.

"No." Noah replied firmly.

"Okay." Reid tried to leave the room but Luke stopped him.

"Wait...what..." He looked at Reid.

"He said no, I'm not going to argue with him. If he wants to die, that's his business," Reid replied as he walked out of the room.

Trying to make sense of what just happened, Luke turned to face Noah. "This stubbornness of yours is one of the reasons why we broke up. Why can't you just accept the help?"

"Because, I grew up without it. I had nobody my whole life, Luke. We moved around all the time, I didn't have time to make friends and I had no family," said Noah. "But that has nothing to do with why I don't want his marrow. When I was nine a dog came up to the yard. I would play with it for hours after school and on the weekends but when my dad came home from maneuvers, that rotten bastard said 'I didn't tell you that you could get a dog.' He walked into the house and when he came back out, he had a gun. I begged him not to but he did anyway, he shot the dog in the head right in front of me. 'This will teach you to listen to me.' I was fucking nine years old. From that day, I closed my heart down and I didn't allow anyone to come near me until you Luke and look what he did to you. He shot you." Noah could barely say the last words though the tears running down his face.

"What does that have to do with Reid?"

Trying to calm down enough to talk, Noah raised his eyes to meet Luke's. "He's just like my father. He took away something I loved with all my heart. He did it on purpose, just like my father did."

"Noah, that's not what…" began Luke.

"Can we talk about his later? I'm getting really tired. I'd like to take a nap." He didn't want to cry again in front of Luke.

Luke could see that Noah was tired and in a lot of emotional pain so he decided to leave. He had just walked out the door when he heard Noah start to cry.

Noah was so drained of all his energy that he couldn't even think straight anymore and he didn't get a chance to shut off the video tape before he fell asleep. Luke walked back into the room to see how Noah was doing when he saw that he was a sleep. He walked up to Noah and started crying. He played with what was left of Noah's hair.

"Noah, I still love you," cried Luke. "I want so much to be with you but I'm afraid. I barely handled the last time you left me and if you did it again, I would never make it through. I know Reid won't leave. It's not what I want, I do love him but it's what I need, it's that special place in my heart will always be for you, Noah." Luke kissed Noah's hand and then walked out of the room.

Noah woke up, thinking a nurse was just in the room and realized that the camera was on. He shut it off and drifted back to sleep, unaware of what had just been recorded. A nurse did come into the room about five minutes later and took off his empty chemotherapy drip.


	10. Chapter 10

Luke was hungry after leaving Noah's room, so he went down to the cafeteria. He purchased what he wanted and noticed Lucinda sitting at a table with some tea. "Hi Grandmother."

"You looked troubled dear. Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's Noah and Reid."

"Ah. I think I know what's coming. Out with it."

"Have you ever been in love with two men at once?" Luke asked in total confusion.

"Of course darling."

"How did you handle it?"

"Well, you weigh the pros and the cons of both relationships and you go with the one you think will be best."

Luke was surprised. "Really?"

"Well, it doesn't always work out. Tell me about it."

"There is a place in my heart that will always be Noah's, but I'm scared of him leaving again when things get tough."

"And Reid is the safe one?"

"He is. I think I'm beginning to love him but I keep thinking about Noah."

"You know, I'm on the outs with your mother at the moment. I interfered when I shouldn't have, so I'm not going to make the same mistake here but you know those videos that Noah's shooting?"

"Yes."

"They can give you the answer you seek."

"What's on them?"

"When the time is right, you will watch them and know which decision to make."

Bob walked into the cafeteria and interrupted their conversation. "Noah's chemotherapy drip is done. You should be able to take him home in an hour or two."

"That's great. Is he feeling okay?" asked Lucinda.

"He's sleeping and blowing chunks, as the younger generation says," laughed Bob. "But otherwise, he's okay."

-P-

Lucinda took Noah to the farm and while he was sleeping, Lily, Emma and Holden were talking about Noah and how nobody was a match for Noah, except for Reid, whose bone marrow he didn't want, when Ethan interrupted their conversation.

"Maybe I match," said Ethan.

"It's sweet of you to ask…" started Lily only to be interrupted.

"Nowah is my brudder. I want to help." Ethan was getting mad.

Lily, Emma and Holden just looked at each other.

"It can be painful, if you're a match," replied Holden.

"Will it hurt forever?" Ethan asked with a frown on his face.

"No, just a day or two."

"I help then." Ethan smiled.

"What about me?" asked Natalie. "Nobody asked me either. I want to help Noah too."

Emma started to tear up. Lily and Holden looked at each of their children and nodded their consent.

"Okay, let's go down to the hospital to be tested."

"Yeah," yelled Natalie and Ethan.

They got ready and left for the hospital. When they got there, Luke was coming out of a meeting. "Hey, what are you all doing here?"

"They want to be tested to see if they match for Noah." Lily responded proudly.

Luke was surprised.

"Even though you don't like him anymore, he's still my brudder," said Ethan innocently.

"It's not..." Luke was going to explain but stopped. He was touched by what Ethan had said. "I think you like him more than me," laughed Luke, poking Ethan in the stomach.

"I do." Ethan giggled back squirming.

Luke picked up his little brother and gave him a big hug. "Well, let's get you tested." He turned and started walking towards the lab.

-P-

The next day, Lily got a call on her cell phone. It was the hospital telling her that Ethan was a complete match for Noah. Lily and Holden were surprised but Ethan was ecstatic. He wanted to go right over to the farm to tell Noah. When they arrived, Ethan ran out of the car in search of Noah.

"Nowah. I'm a match," Ethan yelled out proudly, when he found him.

"You're a match for what, Ethan?" Noah playfully padded Ethan's hair.

"Your marrow," replied Lily.

"What?" Noah was taken aback by the news. "Why would you get him tested?"

"He wanted to. He and Natalie asked to get tested when they heard us talking about it," said Lily. "They were quite insistent."

"I'm a match," said Ethan all excited with his hands in the air.

"You sure are. You're my favorite little man." said Noah, while giving Ethan a big hug but giving Lily a not so nice glare.

"I have to tell Grandma." Ethan squirmed out of the hug and ran out the room.

Noah started crying as soon as Ethan was out of the room, that he didn't even feel Lily's motherly arms embrace him into a hug.

"Haven't I hurt enough of your family?"

"What will hurt us, Noah, is if you don't accept the bone marrow from Ethan and we both know there's a chance you might need it."

Noah continued to cry in Lily's arms, until he fell asleep.

-P-

Noah woke up, wondering where everyone was. He slowly got up from the bed and even managed to walk down and onto the porch when Casey walked in.

"Hi Casey. Let's tape this..." said Noah.

Casey hooked up the camera to the tripod and stood behind it, while Noah sat down on the comfortable couch on the porch.

"My friend Casey is running the camera," said Noah.

"Yo." Casey shouted out, causing Noah to laugh.

"Well, I just found out that Ethan is a complete bone marrow match. I didn't know he was getting tested. I can't believe this shit. How am I suppose to ask little Ethan to do this for me? God, this is so fucked up."

"What's all this swearing out there?" Emma yelled out from her kitchen before she walked onto the porch.

"Sorry, Emma," Noah replied embarrassed. "Everyone, this is Emma Snyder." Emma looked embarrassed but waved to the camera.

Noah waved her over to the couch to sit with him. She hesitated but she did sit down next to Noah.

"This is the nicest person you will ever meet," started Noah, "She's kind, loving, funny, traditional, a great cook, fiercely loyal but becomes a pitbull and will attack if anyone threatens her loved ones." Everyone laughed. "Most of her adult life has been spent working hard on this farm and raising five children on her own after her husband died. She owns one of the best horse breeding farms in the world and one of the most beautiful and peaceful places on this earth."

"Oh, you sweet talker," laughed Emma. "But you forgot that I wrote romance novels."

"What? I didn't know that?" Noah was shocked.

"I wrote under the pen name of Amber d'Amour."

"So that's where Luke gets his writing from?"

"Yes. My son Seth is a writer too." Emma was proud.

Noah paused for a minute. "I want to thank you, Emma. You took me in when I had nowhere to go and invited me into your family when I needed one." Tears streamed down Noah face as he took her hand. "You have no idea how much I needed that. I never really had a family before and it took me a while to get used to it."

"But you kept pulling away."

"I grew up with literally no family and then all of a sudden, I'm living in a house with about ten to fifteen people, who were all family. I didn't know how to act. It was kind of overwhelming," Noah replied truthfully.

"Is that why you disappeared a lot at first?"

"Yes. I would get overwhelmed by it all, so I would take a little break but the good thing about that was that Luke would sit with me. He would hold me or I would be holding him."

Emma reached up to the window sill over their head and pulled down a plate of cookies. "I made some cookies. They are still warm, so eat up."

"I told you she was wonderful. We've smelled them for a while, oatmeal raisin, my favorite."

"Casey, come have some cookies." Emma smiled.

Before anyone could react, Casey was grabbing a few cookies, taking a big bite out of one. Noah laughed.

"I'll get you some milk." Emma got up and went into the house.

Noah looked into the camera. "Just like I said, she is the best. These cookies are Oscar winning cookies." Noah and Casey laughed.


	11. Chapter 11

A few weeks later, Noah was in the hospital waiting to get released after another treatment when Ali walked into his room with a worried look on his face.

"What's wrong?" asked Noah.

"Well, I do not know how to tell you this but Dr. Oliver just died."

"What? How?"

"Chris is sick. His heart was damaged and Dr. Oliver went to pick up a new heart for him when he was hit by a train."

"How's Luke?"

"He's not handling it too well."

Ali's pager went off. "Shit, I need to go," she rushed out of the room.

After Ali told Noah about Reid dying, Noah got up out of bed to sneak down to the emergency room to see how Luke was doing. He was feeling quite woozy since he just completed the latest round of chemotherapy.

Once he got down to the emergency room, he went looking for Luke. When he found Luke, he came up from behind him and put his hand on his shoulder, scaring Luke.

"What the hell are you doing here? Did you come to gloat?" Luke said with venom in his voice.

"No, Luke, I came down to see how you are doing?" Noah voice was filled with hurt.

"How I'm doing? How do you think I'm doing? My boyfriend just died." Luke was visibly upset.

"I'm so sorry, Luke. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not with you," yelled Luke.

"Why not?" Noah yelled back.

"Haven't I suffered enough today?"

"You are a real piece of work. I have leukemia and I could be dying but I came down here to see if you needed me." Noah yelled back. He was starting to feel dizzy. "You're one selfish son of a bitch, do you know that?"

Luke stood there in shock at what Noah just said.

The yelling got Bob's attention and he scurried down the hall to see what the problem is.

"Noah, what are you doing down here? Where's your mask?" Bob yelled in frustration. "The emergency room is the last place you should be in while at the hospital."

"I had to see Luke. I had to see if he was okay." Noah yelled back with all the strength left in him. But the fighting spirit in Noah started to abandon him as the dizziness set in and he could no longer hold his balance.

"I knew it. Noah, this could kill you."

Bob tried to reach out and steady Noah but he fell before his arms could reach him. Luke caught Noah as he heard Noah's last words before he blacked out. "I had to see if Luke was okay."

"Nurse, nurse." Bob yelled. "Someone get a nurse here now!"

Casey, who was nearby, ran off to get a nurse.

Luke was feeling guilty for yelling at Noah. Noah only wanted to know if he was okay but all he could do is yell at him. There was no malice in his heart. "Noah?" Luke yelled in fear, "Wake up, Noah."

"Lay him down on the floor. I'm not getting a pulse." Bob yelled out. As soon as Luke put Noah on the floor, Bob started CPR.

Two nurses came running down with a gurney, put Noah on it as they continued CPR and rushed him into the room that Reid died in.

"Oh God, not that room," Luke yelled out in a panic.

Katie came running to find out what the commotion was all about. "What's wrong?" she asked Luke.

"It's Noah, his heart stopped and he's in the room that Reid died in." Luke was barely able to catch his breath as he stuttered through his words.

"Oh God, Luke." Katie embraced Luke and said a silent prayer for Noah.

"What am I going to do if I lose both of them today?"

"What's wrong?" Kim asked as she got to Luke and Katie.

"Noah heard about Reid and he came down to see if I needed anything and all I did was yell at him," cried Luke. "All he wanted was to make sure I was okay. He risked his health for that." They watched through the window as the team of doctors tried to resuscitate Noah.

-P-

Noah looked at everyone working on his body from across the room. For the first time in his life he didn't have any fear. He was totally at peace. He felt Luke nearby. He turned, saw him at the window, walked through the door and stopped behind him.

Noah felt a hand on his shoulder. When he turned around he saw it was Reid.

"You have to go back, Noah. You need to be with Luke," Reid said urgently.

"What's happening?"

"You are between life and death."

"What about you?"

"That damn Chris got my heart. Well, it's not totally his fault. I went to get the heart for him but a train hit me. A freakin' train, can you believe it. That's what I get for being nice."

"He doesn't want me anymore."

"Yes, he does. He didn't mean it when he yelled at you and he didn't mean it when he said that you weren't meant to be together. Put your hand on his shoulder."

Noah reached out and laid his hand on Luke's shoulder. He could feel Luke stiffen. "He can feel me."

"Yes, he can. What is he feeling?"

"Loss and fear. He lost you and he's afraid of losing me. He's praying to God to save me. I feel love...He loves me." Noah's voice was full of surprise.

"Yes, he does love you."

"But he told me he didn't..."

"He was lying to you, Noah, because he's scared of being hurt."

Noah heard a woman's voice speak out. "It's not your time, Noah."

"Mom!" This was the first time he remembered knowingly being near her.

A figure of a woman appeared next to Noah. "You need to go back to be with Luke. You have so much you need to accomplish before you come into the light, my son." Charlene reached out and put her hand on his heart. "I will always be with you here." Her other hand rested softly on Luke's shoulder.

"This is touching but would you shut up and go back!" Reid was starting to get annoyed at all the family emotions taken place before his eyes.

"You're annoying, even in death." Noah laughed as Reid rolled his eyes and burst out in laughter.

"I was never meant to be with Luke. My destiny was to help Chris but your destiny is to be with Luke. You're meant to live a long life with him. Ethan will cure you. Now go back." Reid tried to convince Noah.

"Thanks, Reid, for everything."

Knowing that Noah would be going back, Charlene said "Kiss my grandchildren for me."

Noah was surprised by what his mother said to him but before he could say anything, he felt his spirit returning to his body as he heard one last thing from Reid.

"Tell Luke I love him." Reid smiled at Noah. Knowing that he fulfilled his purpose, he turned and walked into the light.

-P-

Luke stiffened up. He could feel something touch his shoulder but nobody was touching him. "I can feel Noah."

"What?" asked Katie.

"I can feel Noah's hand on my shoulder. I can feel peace and love." Luke spoke through his tears. "Please, God, don't take Noah from me. I need him. I love him. Please send him back to me." Luke could feel another hand on his other shoulder. "Someone else is here, a woman, I think." Luke could feel both presences disappear and started to panic. "He's gone. I can't feel him anymore."

He looked up and saw that Bob had stopped performing CPR and was taking Noah's vitals.

"Look at the heart monitor," Katie said with excitement.

"He's alive," yelled Luke.

Katie and Kim just looked at Luke in shock and then at Noah.

-P-

After a few minutes later, Bob came walking out the door to talk to Luke.

"We got his heart started but all this has weakened him even more," Bob had said. "We may need to watch him carefully over the next forty eight hours to see if he's caught anything while being down here. If he did, he's in big trouble."

"Nurse, please have Dr. Barnes brought in for Noah immediately and please have my secretary call in some doctors to cover this shift." The nurse ran off with Bob's orders.

"This can't be happening." Luke started muttering to himself. The stress of the day was taking a toll on him. He had just lost Reid, almost lost Noah and no one to blame but himself at his overreaction to Noah's kindness. All the thoughts and emotions became one big blur to Luke and before anyone could say a word, he collapsed on the emergency room floor.

"Jesus Christ." yelled Bob. "Nurse!"

They lifted Luke onto a gurney and wheeled him into another ER room. Bob thought that he must have just fainted from stress but ran some tests on his kidney, just to be safe and put Luke on an intravenous drip. He decided to keep him overnight for observations and had Katie call Lily and Holden.


	12. Chapter 12

Lily and Holden rushed into the hospital looking for Luke. They found him in a bed in the emergency room, crying for Reid and Noah.

"Oh honey, what's going on?" asked Lily in fear.

"Reid died tonight," cried Luke. "He went to Bay City to get a heart for Chris and he got hit by a train."

"I'm so sorry, Luke," said Holden. "Is that why you are here in a bed?"

"Partly. Noah came down to the emergency room to check on me."

"What, is he crazy?" Lily was horrified. "The emergency room is the last place he should be."

"That's what Bob said," Luke replied to Lily. "We got into an argument and he collapsed. They had to perform CPR on him to get his heart started again." Luke stopped because he was crying again.

"Shit." Holden cursed under his breath.

"And...And when Bob said that his trip down here could kill him, I collapsed." Luke started laughing. Lily and Holden looked at Luke like he was crazy. "Sorry, we had Bob running around catching us. I don't know what's so funny about that but it is."

"Laugh or cry," said Lily shaking her head.

"Oh God, I can't believe this. I could lose both the men I love today." Tears started rolling down his face again.

Lily and Holden pulled Luke into a combined hug. They both looked at each other and said "Both?"

Luke was finally coming to terms with reality that was his life at the moment. "I'm so confused. How can I love and want to be with two men?"

"What?" asked Lily quickly.

"Reid and Noah," replied Luke. "I was starting to fall for Reid but I'm falling back in love with Noah."

"Luke, you were never really out of love with Noah. Your hurt and anger just clouded it." Holden was trying to be honest with his son.

"Your father is right, Luke," Lily echoed Holden's words. "I love your father with all my heart but a part of me always seemed to love Damian too." The thought of what she said made her sick. It made Holden sick too but he knew it was true.

"I could feel him when they were trying to bring him back."

"What?" asked Holden.

"His spirit or something touched me on the shoulder. I could feel his love for me. He was at peace but he came back. I felt a woman, too, I think."

Lily and Holden looked at each other in wonder and then at Luke.

Bob walked into the room. "Your tests came back and all you need is to rest. If you want, we can leave you here for a couple of hours, or until we need the room?" asked Bob.

"I think that's best," replied Holden.

"What's happening with Noah?" asked Holden.

"His body went into shock and stopped his heart. We were able to get it going but it's going to make things worse for him. This will drain even more of his strength. He's already back into his room. He's going to have to stay here for at least a few days. I pray that he didn't catch anything while down here. I have a nurse getting me a list of all infectious ailments that have come through the emergency room for the last twenty-four hours, to be safe."

"How's Chris' surgery going?" asked Lily.

"It should take another hour or so. Nothing unexpected has happened yet, so that's good."

Lily and Holden offered their well wishes for Chris.

Bob looked out the door and saw doctors standing there.

"Ah, my replacements are here." Bob headed towards the door. "I'm betting it will be quiet in here for the rest of the night now that the doctors are here."

"You try to get some rest," said Lily.

"I still have Chris to worry about but I'll try after I fill them in." Bob walked out the door.

-P-

Luke left the hospital three hours later and only after he had his dad check on Noah but the nurses on the floor wouldn't let anyone in the room. Noah was just too weak to see any visitors. The next day, Noah was still too weak to see anyone. He spent most of the day sleeping. It was three days later before anyone could visit Noah and then they had to be dressed in gowns, gloves and a mask, to try to keep out any germs.

Luke walked into Noah's room in his gown and mask. He almost cried when he saw Noah. He looked so weak and pale. He stayed in the room with Noah for about fifteen minutes before he left. Noah slept through the visit but Luke was trying to keep it together. As soon as he left the room, his legs gave out as he fell to the floor and broke down in tears. He knew some of what was a happening to Noah was his fault.

A few days later, Bob called Lucinda and asked her to come to his office. When she got there, Bob and Joe were waiting for her.

"What's wrong?"

"Noah's white blood count is growing again," replied Joe.

"Damn."

"If it continues to rise, we will need to do a bone marrow transplant but in his weakened state, it would be dangerous."

Bob echoed Joe's words. "We are doing everything we can to build up his strength."

-P-

Over the next few days, more and more of Noah's strength returned but his blood count was getting slowly worse. Noah asked for Casey to bring his camera to him and he made a video will, just in case he didn't make it.

Luke was a frequent visitor to see Noah but he only stayed a few minutes each time. Neither Luke nor Noah talked about what happened in the emergency room. They started talking about a bone marrow transplant when Noah started to object.

"Luke, I can't take Ethan's marrow," Noah said in a weak voice.

"Why not Noah?" asked Luke.

"He's so young, Luke. He's so kind and loving and he will be in pain because of me. I can't hurt him like that. I've hurt enough people," Noah started to cry.

"Don't cry, Noah… How do you think he will feel if you die?" Luke asked with a little anger in his voice.

"But..."

"How do you think I'll feel if you die or my family or our friends? Luke began to cry. "Please Noah, I love you. I can't lose you too."

Luke's words jolted Noah out of his latest flow of tears. "Is this your idea of a sick joke?" Noah asked angrily.

Luke was taken aback by Noah's question. "Huh?"

"How can you say this to me after just telling me you loved Reid and that you didn't want me?" Noah started crying again. "You did this to me once before. You said we would try to work things out and then I saw you kissing him."

"I've never stopped loving you, Noah." Luke tried to sound calm. "I need to resolve my feelings about him dying, but that doesn't solve any of our problems. We still have major issues."

"So you aren't saying this to try to convince me to take Ethan's marrow?"

"No, I'm not saying this just to get you to take Ethan's marrow. I do love you and I always will."

"You said you loved me. That's all I need for now." Noah reached out to touch Luke's latex covered hand, intertwining their fingers.

They both stared at each other, not knowing what next to say.

"Luke, I have a question for you and you have to promise not to get mad at me." Noah warned him.

"Yes, I promise."

"I'll hold you to that because this question will be tough." Noah warned again.

"Oh boy." laughed Luke, wondering what Noah was going to ask.

"You say you love me. Can you give me all of you right now this minute?"

"You know I can't, Noah. Reid just died. It's too soon." Luke's voice was filled with regret at the words he just uttered.

"I know." Noah said, knowing what Luke was going to say.

"Then why did you ask?" Luke asked wondering what the question was all about.

"Do you remember when we broke up?"

"Yes."

"It may be for different reasons, but the feelings you have now are the same feelings I had back then."

"I'm not sure I follow." Luke was confused.

"My whole life changed when I went blind, just like yours did when Reid died. I know it's not even close to being the same situation but the outcome is the same. It's sheer chaos in your life. Nothing what you felt yesterday is what you feel today. What you're feeling right now is what I felt when I was blind."

"But that's not even close to being the same, Noah."

"I acknowledged that but the feeling of hopelessness and loss is similar. Losing my eyesight threw my whole life into a tailspin. I kept thinking that nothing would ever be the same. I had to relearn how to live and function in this world and that scared the hell out of me, just like you will need to relearn to live your life and function without Reid being in it."

"I feel like my whole life has stopped and rebooted." Luke said with astonishment. He did understand what Noah was trying to say.

"Exactly. I never meant to hurt you Luke. I just didn't know how not to. If I start pressuring you to get back together or help you grieve, you would get mad at me, just as I got mad at you."

Luke started to tear up comparing how he was feeling now to how Noah must have been feeling then. "I get it now. I'm sorry, Noah."

"There is nothing to be sorry for, Luke."

"I feel there is."

"We are going to help each other out when we need it but we will respect when we need to handle things on our own."

"How did you get so smart?" Luke's face broke into a wide grin as Noah's hand took Luke's.

"I'm not, I'm just learning from all the smart people around me."

"I'm not sure I am one of those people, Noah."

"I think you are, as long as you don't mix it with fear or jealousy."

Luke thought about Noah's words and was amazed at how much Noah had grown and how his thoughts rang true. "You have really learned a lot, haven't you?"

"Yes, I have. I need you to do something for me."

"What?"

"I would like you to look at my videos while I'm in undergoing radiation and bone marrow transplant. I think they will explain a lot to you." Noah was nervous. He was opening his life like never before to a family who had accepted him and loved him unconditionally. Noah was also petrified that the videos were his only legacy because there was always a chance that treatment might fail.

"Wait, that means..."

"Yes, Luke, I'll use Ethan's marrow but you have to watch these videos."

"I take it that they won't be easy to watch." Luke already figured out the answer.

"No, they won't be easy. Watch them with Lucinda and your parents. Lucinda's watched them all."

"Okay, I will do that."

Noah, happy with what just happened, drifted off to sleep. Luke stayed for a few more minutes before he walked out and notified Bob and Joe that Noah's decided to do the bone marrow transplant. He also called his family.


	13. Chapter 13

Five days later, Noah was strong enough to start the radiation treatment. He was moved to a germ free room. At this point, nobody was allowed to go into Noah's room but a few nurses and Joe. Bob would only enter if he was needed. Everyone else had to see Noah through a sealed window. They started the radiation process and when they killed all the bone marrow cells in Noah's body, marrow harvested from Ethan was processed and injected into Noah. It would be two to three weeks before they knew if the tread had worked. The weeks turned into a waiting game for all. Ethan was up and running around two days later.

-P-

During this waiting period, Luke, Lily, Holden, Lucinda and Emma began to watch the tapes. Some days, they only got through one or two, depending on how hard it was for Luke. When Noah was talking about his father, Emma could be heard a few times saying "that bastard," which surprised them all. It wasn't very often that Emma swore.

The hardest video was Noah's last will. It was the one that tore out their hearts.

"If you are viewing this video, then I've passed on," began Noah. "I wanted to let each one of you know how much I cared for you."

"To the Snyder clan in Oakdale, Illinois, you are the craziest people that I've ever met in my entire life." Noah laughed. "So much dysfunction, but out of chaos, rises up a love that I can't even begin to describe. I think that is what makes you all so special. How you go from punching each other out at Thanksgiving, to having each other's back a few days later, is just mind blowing to anyone who is from the outside. There is a reason why everyone in Oakdale knows that you never fuck with a Snyder. At first I thought you were all actually crazy but I grew to appreciate the love you all share for one another and for the strays like me that you pick up along the way."

"Holden, thank you for showing me what a real father is supposed to be like. Your love, tenderness and forgiveness meant very much to me. I know that you didn't like me after my father shot Luke and I knew where that was coming from but I know you grew to love me, just like one of your own and I will always cherish that love. You love Luke so much and it shows every time you think of him. Please take care of him for me. He will need you now more than ever. I know it's not much but I would like for you to have my truck. Use it on the farm, so I can be there with you for as long as it survives." Holden was crying openly at Noah's words to him. He loved that boy like his own son.

"Lily, you were the mother I always wanted to have. You accepted me as one of your kids from almost the very start and I really appreciated it. I wish your investment in my eyes yielded better long term results but it was not meant to be. I want to thank you for always being there for me, even after Luke was shot. You always had time for me, even while you were juggling your own family and work. I'm still not sure how you even managed to multi-task so much." Lily was crying now.

"I know you love Holden with all your heart and I know he loves you the same way. Please don't be like me and fritter away any more time. I found out too late what Luke needed me to give him but you have the time to rekindle your love. Kids learn a lot from their parents. Teach them that it's never too late to fix a problem and that happy endings do exist." Holden grabbed Lily's hand in his and they gave each other a quick tearful glance.

"Emma, I think you were the first one in the family that loved me other than Luke. That first Christmas that you asked me to stay at the farm was one of the happiest times in my life and I want you to know how much it meant to me. I told Luke that day that you were unlike anyone I had ever met before. You are honest, kind and both at once. I still feel that way. You were the grandmother I always wished for and was able to have because you accepted me into your home and heart." Noah spoke the last words to Emma though tears. And by the time Noah had finished speaking, Emma was crying her eyes out.

"Lucinda, you have brass balls but you have a heart of gold too. Like Emma, you'd kill whoever would hurt anyone in your family but you would also give the shirt off your back to anyone you considered family. I was lucky enough to be one of those people you loved. You gave me comfort when I needed it but also gave me a piece of your mind when I also needed it. I hope John is the one you've been waiting for. It's never too late to have love in your life. He will be lucky to have you." Lucinda laughed at Noah's comment when she specifically told him not to tell anyone that she's a real softie to her loved ones. She also cried at the thought of not seeing Noah's big blue eyes light up the room.

"By the way Lucinda." Noah face contorted into a funny look, "I saw you checking out how I filled out my boxer briefs after I had the bone marrow biopsy. I hope I met with your approval...I'm sure I did by the look on your face." Noah winked at the camera. Everyone turned to Lucinda. Noah started laughing but continued, "You'll probably want to explain that one to everyone in the room." Lucinda laughed again. Everyone in the room stared strangely at Lucinda.

"Aaron, Ethan, Natalie and Faith, you were the brothers and sisters that I always wanted to have. Each of you is so different from the other but also the same. I loved you all just as much as you loved me. You all have a huge loving heart, like Luke does and that's what makes you Snyders so special. Please take care of Luke. He's going to need someone to be there for him and I can't think of anyone better than his brothers and sisters who love him dearly to help him in his time of need. He always spoke with love when he talked about each of you to me."

"Thank you Ethan for your bone marrow. You're such an awesome little brother. To Faith and Natalie, you're just as awesome as your little brother. Thank you for all the love and happiness you have given me...oh and girls rule!" Noah laughed. "Aaron, relax, you will find that someone special to settle down with. I think you're trying too hard and wherever I go, I'll find someone just right for you and hook you up."

"To Maddie, Hunter, Will, Gwen, Jade, Ali and Casey, before I came to Oakdale, I had never had any friends. Being in the military, we moved around all the time and everyone learns to avoid making friends so it hurts less when you're redeployed. You were my first friends that I ever had and I couldn't have picked nicer ones. You cared for me, even when I didn't deserve it and stood by me through the roughest times in my life. I will always appreciate it. Thank you for your friendship."

"Luke, you may be last but you're the hardest one to say goodbye to. You are the love of my life. I remember all ten times we broke Emma's rules." Noah chuckled. Emma looked over at Luke with a dirty face. "I bet Emma's giving the evil eye about now but it was so worth it. I never felt so loved in my life as when we were making love. I never meant to hurt you. I know that wherever I'm going, I will love you forever."

"I would like for you to have these videos that I've made. If you can figure out a way to maybe put them together in a way that you can make money and use it for the foundation to help people, please do it. Maybe someone can learn from my mistakes and avoid making them in their lives. I want you to have any stock, money or any other personal possession I own. Go through and keep whatever you want but donate the rest to the foundation or wherever you think the best place will be."

"I saw the video of you coming into my room as I slept and heard you tell me that you still love me but you were scared to be with me. I know you loved Reid but our love is so much deeper and I also know that you will never love anyone the way you love me. I only stepped aside for Reid because I thought that's what you wanted, not because I didn't want you. I only wanted to make you happy after all the grief I caused you."

Noah started to cry. "I'm sorry that I didn't know how to be the person you needed. I learned a lot since I've gotten sick and I'm sorry that I couldn't be around for you to get to know the new me. It's ironic that I finally learned how to be the person you needed, only to have died before we had a chance to live happily ever after."

"Reid told me the night my heart stopped that Ethan's marrow would heal me and that we would get to live a long life together. I put my hand on your shoulder and I felt you stiffen. He told me that he wasn't meant to be with you, that I was. He was destined to die saving Chris and he wasn't overly happy about it." Noah giggled at the memory. "But he was okay with it, well, sort of. I've died, so I think I'll kick his ass for lying to me..." Everyone in the room gasped "I'm just kidding, lighten up," Noah said with a smile. "By the way, you should have felt another presence. That was my mother. She came to me when I was talking to Reid."

"I do know that I plan on staying with you, Luke. I won't go into the light. I will stay with you, until it's your turn and we can then both go together into the light. That is how much I love you but please don't pine for me and Reid. You are a person that needs love in his life. There will be someone else that will make you happy. I will find him and guide him to you but I'll be with you until it's your time. Like the watch says, you're worth the wait. Your love, friendship, the foundation and your writing are your greatest legacy that you will leave behind. Don't waste time with the unimportant stuff in your life. Go out there and share your legacy with others, to make this world a better place."

"If it's okay with you all, I would like to have my ashes buried somewhere on the farm. It was my favorite place to be and I would like to be there for all eternity. I love you all so much." Noah broke down crying, unable to continue the video. A few minutes later, he turned off the camera.

When the tape ended, Lily and Holden moved over to Luke and pulled him into a hug as he broke down and sobbed. Lucinda and Emma were crying in each other's arms.

"He just has to live," cried Luke. "He just has to."

Luke was an emotional wreck for the rest of the day. He was virtually in a comatose state. He just couldn't process the love he felt from Noah's will video. Noah's remarks, about staying with Luke until he died, were the only thing keeping him going through the day. The next morning, he was able to function but he was very quiet. With each passing day, it got easier for Luke as he kept hearing Noah's words of love in his head and repeated a silent prayer for Noah to come back to him.

-P-

Noah's blood tests showed no abnormal cells in his blood. After three weeks, they allowed a few people to start visiting Noah and Luke was the first person in his room. His strength grew every day. Noah was moved out of isolation and back into a normal private room after a month. His white blood count was normal with no abnormal cells. He turned on his camera. The curtain was half pulled in front of the door, so he didn't hear Luke enter the room.

"Luke and I are getting closer, which I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for a lot of things these days, even Reid." This shocked Luke. "He was there for me when I had my out of body experience. If he hadn't been there, I think I might have gone into the light. He told me to tell Luke that he loved him but I haven't had a chance yet. I hope he knows that I love him more than Reid ever did and I'm sure Luke loves me more than he did Reid..."

"You're awful sure of yourself, aren't you Mayer?" interrupted Luke.

Noah was embarrassed getting caught by Luke, "Luke, I'm sorry, I'm just calling it the way I see it."

"It's okay, Noah, it's true. I do love Reid but I'm in love with you." Noah's face broke out into a smile. "But that doesn't solve any of our issues though."

"No, I guess it doesn't but you've seen these videos. Do you really think I'm the same person I was when I was blind?"

"No, you are not, you've grown, Noah."

"What about you?"

"I think I'm more patient than I use to be." His comment caused Noah to giggle. "Why are you laughing?" An annoyed Luke admonished Noah.

"Luke Snyder patient…Isn't that an oxymoron?" laughed Noah, rolling his eyes.

Luke couldn't help but laugh with him. He's never been the patient type. "I talked to Bob and Joe. They said that you should be able to go home in a week or two." Luke took his hand.

"I can't wait to get out of here."

"I want you to move out to the farm for a couple of weeks."

"Luke, I'm fine. I should have no..."

"Grandma said she will drag you to the farm if you say no." Noah laughed at the thought but knew she wasn't kidding. "We just want to mother you for a few weeks. Then we can move back to your apartment."

"Honestly, I don't think..." Noah was shocked. "What did you just say?"

Luke smiled. "You heard me. I'm moving in with you. Ali should be moved out by then and you will need a roommate. I will be staying in Ali's room."

"Oh." Noah's excitement sank.

"I don't think we are ready to go there. We have a lot of talking to do but taking care of you will give me good excuse to move away from my family." Luke leaned down and whispered in Noah's ear. "I'm ready to leave."

"So you are ready to leave the nest?" Noah was surprised as Luke shook his head yes. "Do you think we will ever be close…like we were?"

Luke got up and sat on the edge of the bed. "I watched the videos and I was very moved...horrified about what your dad did to you and I understand better now why you pull back but we need to earn each other's trust again."

"I know we can, Luke," Noah said quickly.

"I know we can too, Noah." Luke leaned down and gave Noah a kiss on the lips. "I love you, Noah."

"Same here." Noah said with tears in his eyes. Luke wiped them away as he leaned down into another kiss. Noah grabbed him and pulled him into a hug. "I'll never let you down again."

-P-

The End.


	14. Epilogue

"I can't believe that it's taking so long," Noah complained.

"Just hold on. They will call you soon." Luke was trying to calm Noah down.

It's been a year since Noah's bone marrow transplant. Joe wanted to do another test to see if Noah was still in remission. Noah's been a bundle of nerves for days and frankly, he's been getting on Luke's nerves.

"Noah Mayer?" the nurse called.

"Here." Noah answered as he was happy to finally get this over with. He stood up and went into the doctor's office. He noticed that Luke didn't follow him in, so he went back out to the waiting room. "Are you coming?"

"I…"

"Come on," Noah said firmly. Luke got up and followed Noah into the examination room. "I know I've been on edge lately but so much is riding on this. I can't even begin to tell you…"

"I know you are scared but we will deal with whatever happens." Luke walked up to Noah and kissed him on the lips.

Joe walked into the room to greet his patient. "How are you doing, Noah? Oh, hi Luke." He waved at Luke when he noticed that he was in the room.

"I'm fine. I just want to know my results." Noah was almost frantic at this point.

"There are no abnormal cells in your blood. You're still in remission," Joe replied quickly.

Noah just sat there for a minute without saying anything. It was what he hoped for but he was waiting for a but…but it didn't come. Tears began to fill his eyes. So much was riding on him still being in remission. "Thank you," he whispered.

Luke moved over next to Noah and pulled him into a hug.

"You will still need to be tested regularly. If your plans are still the same, my college roommate is an oncologist practicing in Los Angeles. I can give you the information if you're interested."

Noah looked troubled by the doctor's comments but Luke knew this day was coming, when he would move out to Los Angeles with Noah. He had been preparing for it by selling Grimaldi Shipping. It was a blessing in disguise. He never really knew how much he hated owning and working at Grimaldi until he was out of it. The foundation was expandable. It could only benefit from having a wide reach to projects and fundraising. And he could write anywhere.

"Our plans haven't changed. Thank you Joe." Luke replied. Noah looked over at Luke. There seemed to be no apprehension in his voice or his eyes.

Joe handed Noah a business card with his roommate's name and number on it and a schedule of what tests Noah should have done and when. They shook hands. Noah thanked him again and left the office.

-P-

Noah drove Luke out to their favorite part of the pond. They stood there holding hands, when Luke noticed that Noah was shaking.

"You're shaking, baby."

Noah didn't notice he was but it was true. He was nervous. "Are you happy, Luke?"

Luke didn't know why Noah was asking. "I am very happy about your diagnosis today and happy that I am here with you."

"Are you happy with me?"

"I'm very happy with you, Noah." Luke wondered where all of Noah's questions were leading to. "What do you…" Luke stopped talking when he saw Noah take a small little box out of his pants pocket. When he realized what it was, he could only gasp.

"I am so happy with you, Luke." Noah opened the box. Luke was surprised when he saw two princess-cut diamond rings, in a channel-set in a rich 18k white gold mounting. Noah went down on one knee.

"Yes," Luke blurted out.

Noah started laughing. "I'm supposed to ask you first."

"Hurry up." Luke sounded frantic.

"Will you marry me, Luke?"

"YES!" Luke shouted. He pulled Noah up from his knees and kissed him hard and long. When they separated, they took a moment breathe as their foreheads touched. Luke was grabbing at the box but Noah wouldn't let him have it.

"Wait." Luke stopped trying to grab the box. Noah pulled out Luke's ring. "This endless circle of diamonds symbolizes my love for you. While there was a beginning to our love, there is no end." Noah put the ring on Luke's finger and looked into his eyes. "You are my happy ending, Luke. You always have been and always will be." Noah wiped away Luke's tears.

Luke looked at it on his finger. "It's beautiful, Noah but how did you afford this?"

"I went jewelry shopping with Lucinda." Noah looked embarrassed. "She let it be known what was acceptable for her grandson."

Luke had to laugh. "You did great. I love it, Noah."

"Um, Luke, did you forget something?"

"No, I don't…" Luke stopped talking and looked embarrassed when Noah raised the box with a ring still in it.

Luke grabbed the ring out of the box and put it on Noah's finger and looked him straight in the eyes. "Noah, I fell in love with you the first time our hands touched at WOAK and I've never, ever stopped loving you or wanting to be with you."

Noah knew exactly what Luke meant. They kissed again and then walked back hand in hand to the farm to celebrate the good news with their family.

-P-

When Luke and Noah moved out to Los Angeles, they bought a beach front house in Pacific Palisades, with some of the money they received from the sale of Grimaldi Shipping. Their lives turned into a hectic pace with Noah trying to build his film career and Luke finally returning to his other passion in his life, his writing. But Luke and Noah never lost sight of what was important to the both of them…their love for each other and their approaching wedding. Luke and Noah were married the following year in a lavish ceremony in Los Angeles on the beach.

Noah's movie, Made It Through, won best documentary in all the film festivals that it was submitted to and opened some big doors for him in Hollywood. Noah Snyder-Mayer went on to direct a movie for Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. His first feature length movie came out two years later and was a smash hit. It helped launch MGM's return to profitability and he was signed to direct four more movies for the studio.

Luke, still running the Luke Snyder Foundation and helping those in need, went on to complete his first novel, while living in Los Angeles. It became a bestseller on the New York Times bestsellers list. MGM bought the movie rights to the book and his husband was tapped to direct it.

Two years after they were married, Luke and Noah decided to expand their family and were now in the process of adopting three young siblings, whose parents died in an accident on the Ventura freeway.

Noah's cancer remained in remission.


End file.
